Everything vs Nintendo
by horsie890
Summary: Co authored by Cheezheister for his wonderful ideas. Microsoft and Sony attack Nintendo. Mass chaos ensues. Go chaos!
1. Poor Nintendo

Let's see…Nintendo is under attack from Sony and Microsoft! Oh, the horror! Disclaimer: I don't own Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Squaresoft, Jak and Daxter, Mario, Starfox, Halo, or any of the stuff I mention in this thingy. It helps if you have played the games, but it's not like I'm forcing you to. Brought to you by my hyperactive imagination and a Frosty from Wendy's. (don't own that either)

Fox: This is awful! Alert the media! Call the army! Initiate the automatic defense systems! This is not a drill, I repeat, this is NOT A DRILL! WE MUST SAVE NINTENDO AT ALL COSTS!

Sony HQ

Kira: I still can't believe that they got the Zelda series first. I hate to admit it, but it was- and is- pretty good. And I suppose the DS was interesting enough. But still- Playstation, PS2- we even have TV's! It doesn't make sense!

Daxter: What about the secret weapon?

Kira: Oh yes. With that, nothing will stop us from taking over the video game industry! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: So, have you found out what Sony is planning yet?

Hunter: Yeah, they're going after Nintendo.

Master Chief: That was my idea! Besides, no one stands a chance against our advanced computer technology! Or the Xbox! And they seem to have forgotten about our secret weapon!

Hunter: Shall we remind them, then?

Master Chief: Oh yes, let's.

Nintendo HQ

Fox: The defense systems are up and running smoothly, sir!

Mario: Phew. That was close. But we have to wait until November until we can release The Game. I'm not sure how long we'll be able to hold out. Hopefully, the DS can keep us safe.

Link: The radar-I mean, fax machine- is picking something up, sir. It appears to be a report from Sony.

Mario (reading report from Sony): _We have our secret weapon ready and waiting. If you know what's good for you, you can just keep that new game right where it is: Unreleased._

_Sincerely, The Sony Staff._ How did they find out?

Fox: We've had ads out for it, and it was at E3.

Mario: Oh yes. Well, it may have to wait until November, but we should be safe until then. We've got a few gadgets in our arsenal that they better watch out for!

Sony HQ

Daxter: They haven't withdrawn the release date of The Game, ma'am.

Kira: Then we have no choice. If we wish to reach our goal of video game domination, we shall implement the secret weapon! Unleash the secret weapon! Mwahahahaha!

Daxter: You heard the lady! Get it ready for release! I want that thing on shelves by tomorrow! It's a code PSP!

Microsoft HQ

Hunter: Well, they've released it. The Sony PSP.

Master Chief: Counteract with ads for the 360!

Hunter: Roger that.

Master Chief: Yes, yes, yes…the Xbox 360. Our masterpiece. It will knock the socks off of the competition!

Hunter: Advertisements have been successfully commenced, sir.

Master Chief: I knew we could do it.

Next chapter should be here right about now. Enjoy and review. Later, some of the stuff won't make sense unless you read the Wall Street Journal (online or otherwise). I know, I know, what self-respecting kid reads the newspaper? I had to do video game research for some of this. I was going to use characters from KH for the Sony people, but they get a different part later. Anywho-just keep reading.


	2. Things get worse

Back at Nintendo, things don't look so good…

Fox: Sony has released the PSP, sir.

Mario: You've gotta be kidding me. What about Microsoft?

Link (hands series of pictures to person 1): The Xbox 360. State of the art, sequel to the Xbox, and it's already got advertisements.

Mario: This can't be happening to me! What happened to the DS? Gamecube? Super Smash Brothers Melee? Zelda? What has become of our empire!

Fox: If I may, sir. (presses a button on Hologram Generator 2000) This is a hologram of what The Game will be like. We still need to make a few adjustments, and of course there's the advertisements on TV….

Mario: I've only seen the trailer, but this is incredible! With this kind of game, our empire is safe! Nintendo shall rise once again!

Fox: Should we prepare for advertising yet?

Mario: Are you kidding? We need to get ready for Christmas!

Fox: That's six months away, sir.

Mario: No time like the present. Now get to work!

Link: Execute order number 267314!

Sony HQ

Kira: How has the secret weapon been working?

Daxter: Excellent. The Sony PSP has a bright future ahead of it.

Kira: Let's see them try to counteract _that_! Go ahead, Nintendo! Release 'The Game'! It's _only_ one game! We have an entire handheld system! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

Daxter: The PSP shall dominate the industry, ma'am.

Kira: All this evil laughter is making me thirsty. Get me a Starbuck's: caramel first, then ice, nonfat chocolate milk, one shot of espresso, then 1 ½ teaspoons heavy cream, caramel again, topped with fresh whipped cream, imported Belgian chocolate sprinkles, and caramel syrup. I want that ready in two minutes or less.

Daxter (to Kira's personal Starbuck's worker): Did you get all that?

Starbuck's person: Of course. I work at Starbuck's.

Daxter: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Microsoft HQ

Hunter: Looks like the 360 is going to be a huge success, sir. Its release date is going to be known soon. More work must be done to determine the exact date, but it looks like about the holiday season of 2005.

Master Chief: Perfect! Just in time for Christmas! We'll see how Nintendo fares up to this one!

Hunter: What about The Game?

Master Chief: Oh please. It's just one game. How can it possibly affect this magnificent platform?

Hunter: I couldn't agree more, sir.

Is it Starbuck's or Starbucks? Who knows. Next chapter. R&R every chapter pleez. –horsie890


	3. Squaresoft and Gamers

Nintendo is starting to worry…

Mario: Just when I thought things were starting to look up, and now this! Microsoft just _had_ to let out the Xbox 360 at almost the same time as The Game, perhaps even before! I can't believe this is happening!

Fox: At least the DS is holding up, especially with Chain of Memories out. Even some of the so-called loyal Sony fans have gotten one of our handhelds, just so they can play the sequel to Kingdom Hearts.

Mario: But when Kingdom Hearts 2 comes out, we'll really be in hot water.

Fox: I forgot about that. Don't worry, sir. The Game will blow away the competition like an atomic bomb.

Mario: Even so. I need a vacation…

Link: Don't we all.

…Sony is quite pleased with their success...

Kira: That was quite possibly the best Starbuck's I've ever had. Here's a $200 tip.

Starbuck's worker: Thanks.

Daxter: Nintendo can't do anything about our PSP. They don't have a chance.

(Kira is reading the Wall Street Journal online)

Kira: Uh oh. Take a look at this. Nintendo has got _two_ consoles unveiled. The Game Boy Micro and The Revolution.

Daxter: So what?

Kira: Really. Who cares about that. They don't even have an estimated date for the Revolution…. Oh no! Look at this! Squaresoft, remember them? They made Kingdom hearts with Disney for Playstation.

Daxter: And?

Kira: They're making a version of Final Fantasy for the 360! TRAITORS! They've been loyal to us for years, and now they've gone to Microsoft, because Final Fantasy has a high following in Japan! TRAITORS, TRAITORS, TRAITORS!

Daxter (also on site): Wait a second. Good news here. Looks like if the Xbox 360 fails, Microsoft is going to lose lotsa money! Oooo, that's rich. And they'll also have the PS3 to contend with, once we get that out.

Kira: Oh, yes. And with that, we shall rule the video game industry! Mwahahahahahaha!

Daxter: Must you always include the evil laughter?

Kira: Yes.

…Microsoft is going into panic mode…

Master Chief: I'm starting to worry about the 360.  
Hunter: Why? It's so high tech, it's in the sky while everyone else is underground!

Master Chief: Good analogy. But still, since E3, there have been tons of new consoles and games: the Game Boy Micro and Revolution from Nintendo, the PS2, PSP, _and_ the PS3 from Sony, and all the games that go with them. What are we going to do? If the 360 goes down…

Hunter: So will the division. We're all aware of it. But we have a new associate in our corporation. Squaresoft is going to make a version of Final Fantasy for the 360.

Master Chief: It's wonderful, isn't it?

Hunter: Isn't what?

Master Chief: We've finally accomplished our goal of getting Squaresoft on our side. It took a while, but it was worth it.

Hunter: I don't know. Nintendo is quite a powerful company. What do you think will happen when The Game comes out?

Master Chief: That's why it was a risky move. But it will put us months ahead of the competition.

Hunter: If you say so.

…and now Squaresoft is joining the fray.

Kairi: I still think we should have stuck with Sony.

Sora: Well, we waited and waited…

Kairi: …and waited and waited…

Aerith: …and waited and waited…

Sora, Aerith, and Kairi: …and waited and waited,

Aerith: But they didn't release a platform for Chain of Memories that we could design for, so we had to go to Nintendo. And then, Microsoft pestered us so much that we have to make a Final Fantasy for them.

Sora: Oh well, at least the 360 is going to rock hard.

Kairi: I feel a little guilty, though.

Sora: Well, you know what? We make the games. If one console company doesn't supply our needs when they need to be met, then we simply move on to the next one that can. Nintendo was ready, Sony wasn't. And you know how serious gamers get when they have to wait too long…(opens closet door marked 'Keep out. Hazardous to your health. Enter at your own risk, but since we just told you to stay out, you should read this whole thing before entering and follow all directions. We're sorry, but protective headgear will not be provided. Thank you for your cooperation, and have a nice day.') (a shoe narrowly misses whacking Kairi in the head)

Kairi: What was that?

Sora: When die-hard gamers don't get games every six months, they get like this. They want revenge on all video game manufacturers for not providing them with one of the four basic game types: RPG, melee, sports, and puzzle solving. (a volley of shoes) That one just threw a shoe at you because whoever it was hasn't had a video game in over a year.

Aerith: Why torture the poor soul?

Sora: They were exposed to the worst kind of video games, and only the worst kinds.

Kairi: (gasps) You mean they've only played sequels, and not the original games? That's awful.

Sora: It's their parents, who don't understand the v.g. world anymore. We're trying to let them forget about these 'past horrors' so they can start out by playing _real_ video games.

Kairi: Can we leave now?

(they leave, avoiding yet another volley of tennis shoes)

Sora: It's sad, but we can blame Sony for that.

Aerith: We'll just have to fight back against them with our Final Fantasy for Microsoft!

Sora: Wouldn't we be fighting against ourselves, since we created KH in the first place?

Kairi: Oh yeah….uh oh.

I need to write the next chapter soon. I'll get on that right away. Sorry. R&R. If anyone's got any better ideas for the Microsoft Xbox characters, I'm all ears. Just make sure it's from a very recognizable game. By the way, I've only ever played anything remotely close to Final Fantasy on KH and CoM. Shame on me. –horsie890


	4. Panic and Tiddly Winks

Now, Nintendo is hitting the panic button.

(Mario whacks a giant red button marked 'Panic' with a giant hammer)

Computerized voice: Warning. Warning. Panic mode instigated. Ten minutes until total lockdown. (repeats three times)

Fox: Is that really necessary? (all doors lock)

Mario: Yes! Everyone is against us! What with Squaresoft leaving us for Microsoft, and the constant attacks from Sony and Microsoft, we have to keep the company and ourselves safe!

Fox: Chain of Memories was fun while it lasted. What are we going to do? Our defenses can't hold up forever. The troops are starting to worry about the PSP, 360, and whatever else these other companies have cooked up ion their spare time.

Mario: Well, the Micro and Rev aren't quite ready, but we've got a few games out. Pokemon Emerald will keep us safe. We just need to hold out a little longer.

Link: How long is longer?

Sony is starting to get bored.

Kira: I'm bored.

Daxter: There's nothing to do now but wait. The PSP squad is in full force, and we don't have to worry about Microsoft or Nintendo, even with their alleged 'secret weapons'.

Kira: Let's play Tiddly Winks.

Daxter: Why not?

(Kira, Jak, and Daxter play Tiddly Winks)

Kira: This is fun, but not as much fun as attacking Nintendo.

Daxter: Why don't we get Microsoft?

Kira: Because then they would attack us. And they have advanced computer stuff, so let's just say it wouldn't end up pretty.

Daxter: Oh yeah. Remember how you said Squaresoft people were traitors, traitors, traitors?

Kira: Yeah. They are.

Daxter: Well, they are going to make KH2 for us, right? They're not total traitors.

Kira: I guess not. Still. They went to Nintendo, and for that they must pay! Mwahahahahahahaha!

Daxter: That's beginning to freak me out.

Kira: Mwahahahah(choke). I've got to stop doing that. It hurts my throat. Anyone got a cough drop?

Sony people: 'No, sorry, Kira'. 'Maybe…nope.' 'Sorry, ma'am.'

Kira: Drat.

Yay. I have names for Xbox people. I will be doing a lot of replacements (I have become friends with Ctrl+F), so I guess you could think about rereading stuff. Really, though, only the names will change. Sorry. And by the way, I didn't let Jak say anything because, well, he doesn't. At all. Ever. Just read the next chapter. –horsie890


	5. Cloud the Sony super spy

And now, it's time for a review response.

DDK1993: Girl, you rock! That's an awesome idea! Thanks a lot! Only now people who read all the reviews know what happens! Oh well. Thanks anyway.

Nintendo HQ

Mario: And now we're up to our ears in maintenance problems. What else could go wrong?

Fox: Three light bulbs just burned out in the vault, sir.

Mario: (sighs) Well, let's go down there. I need to show you and Link something, anyway.

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: Unless we implement a new plan soon, Nintendo will come out of this war unharmed. We have to remind them that we're higher up on the ladder.

Hunter: In the news there was a report from Sony. Seems like they're in the same boat as us.

Master Chief: Well, it looks like the only thing to do is wait. Until someone makes a move, this metaphorical boat is going nowhere.

Sony HQ

Cloud: If I don't get a serious promotion for this, someone's going to pay.

Daxter: What did you do? Finally get a 'Ready to Fight' meter so people know when to stand back and keep away from the coffee?

Cloud: No. I got something that is going to totally save us.

Daxter: We don't need saving.

Cloud: I mean if The Game ends up being a huge success. Of course, now it won't. This is going to be awesome, believe me.

Kira: What?

Cloud (pulls out a Gamecube game box marked 'Top Secret'): This!

Daxter: WOW! You got The Game! I bet we can transfer all the data onto one of our disks, then show commercials for it! But, we won't have our name on it, we'll say they're from Microsoft! Genius!

Cloud: Thanks.

Kira: This is perfect! Now nothing can stand in our way! Mwahahahahahahahaha(cough).

(Awkward silence)

Kira: What?

Cloud: Nothing.

Kira: Stop looking at me like I'm insane.

Nintendo HQ

(Mario, Fox, and Link are walking down a hallway, arriving at a door.)

Computerized voice: Please present authorization badges. (They do) Thank you. Please proceed, and have a nice day.

(They go further down a hallway, stopping at another door)

Computerized voice: Mario, please provide voiceprint identification.

Mario: Mamma mia!

Computer: Thank you, and have a nice day. (door opens)

(…)

Computer: Fox, please provide handprint identification. (Fox places hand on the finger pad) Thank you, and have a nice day.

(…)

Computer: Link, please provide Triforceprint identification. (Link holds up Triforce of Courage)

Thank you, and have a nice day.

(They walk through the door.)

Link: I guess all this security is necessary.

Mario: Yep. Ever since this has gone to total lockdown, we've had to be extra careful.

Fox: Well, let's hope it works.

(They arrive at a vault door)

Computer: Prepare for battle.

Link: This is new.

(Two redeads, several Goombas, and Wolf O'Donnell appear, at which point each of the Nintendo friends begin attacking their respective evil dudes)

Computer: Thank you, and have a nice day.

(They walk through the door and up to a platform with a box on it)

Mario: This is the first copy of The Game. Well, playable, anyway. Link, Fox, I want you two to try it out and compile a report…(Mario presses a button on the box, and the top opens; a small mini-platform slowly rises up from inside the box) (Cue the special FX smoke)

Mario: …because you're the experts. And I need to know if we need to make any changes, because if we do…OH MY GOSH! SWEET MERCIFUL MUSHROOMS, WHERE'D IT GO!

(Instead of a small game box on the platform, there is a notecard, bent in half to stand up on its own. It reads, _Thanks for the present, Nintendo!_ It wasn't signed.

Link: This is the worst! As if things couldn't already GET any worse, now this! What's next? The computer breaks?

Fox: Shhhhh! Don't jinx it!

Mario: We must report this to Security immediately! (pulls out a radio) (speaking into radio) Get the head of Security down here this instant! And bring anyone who was on duty in the past twelve hours!

Radio: Roger that.

(Two seconds later, Falco, Samus, and Captain Falcon run through the door.)

Samus: What's wrong?

Captain Falcon: We're the only ones who've been on the job.

Falco: Hey, Fox.

Mario: Have you been keeping an eye on the video cameras?

Samus: Of course! 24/7!

Fox: Then what happened to it?

Falco: Happened to what?

Fox: The Game! It's been stolen!

Captain Falcon: Is this some kind of a joke?

Mario: No! It's gone! Now let's get back to the security camera room; I have to see who did this!

(Everyone runs up to the computer/security tech room)

Samus: Here's the fast-motion version of the last twelve hours. (A tape starts on the screen)

(Several minutes go by, and the only thing showing is the inside of the vault)

Falco: See? Nothing so far. We kept very careful track of everythi-(But suddenly, there is a shadowed figure on the screen. Captain Falcon immediately presses the stop, rewind, and play at normal speed buttons)

Mario: Who could that be? I don't recognize whoever it is.

Captain Falcon: Well, he or she must have pretty good sneaking skills if the alarms didn't go off, and they could get through all the security stuff.

Fox: No, you think? Chances are that he or she didn't go through security. The person just snuck in and stole it another way. (The person opens the box, sprays some kind of aerosol over it to check for alarm beams, avoids them, grabs The Game, then strangely fades out of the room.)

Samus: That is very strange. How could someone do that? It must be some kind of new technology.

Link: Let's watch it again. Maybe there is a clue somewhere. (They watch it again)

Falco: There! (stops video, then zooms in on person) Look at that symbol! It's like a flag. That could only be-

Fox, Mario, and Link: Microsoft.

Captain Falcon: Should we launch a full frontal assault, then?

Samus: I say sneak attack.

Mario: Calm down, everyone. We have to think carefully and logically about this. Special tactics must be applied. Now. Since Microsoft has our game, we need to get it back. Simple enough to understand.

Falco: What about exacting our revenge?

Mario: Oh, the day will come for that. We need to take this one step at a time, though. Don't be concerned about revenge. As soon as The Game is released, our revenge will come. And it will be sweet.

(Unknown to our Nintendo pals, it wasn't a Microsoft symbol. It was really a sign for the Playstation, but since the camera was at a weird angle and there was really bad lighting, it looked like the Windows flag. Maybe they should have replaced a few of those light bulbs a while back…)

Review. End of comment.

Review responses:

Fatalfeline:Yeah, I noticed. I'm using Squaresoft for Final Fantasy, though. Except Cloud, because he decided that Squaresoft is boring so he stayed and worked for Sony. And as for telling me how to write, can you please get that out of your head? I'm not using Pokemon. That's that. Thanks for the review!

Darkdragonknight1993: I'm pretty sure I already answered this, but it's a great idea. I'm not using Rikku. She scares me lots. Thanks for the review!

Zelinko: Is it really that bad? Or am I just deciphering this wrong? Oh well. Thanks for the review!

Review now. –horsie890


	6. Udder Chaos

I'm back, but I won't be for long. I graduated from middle school yesterday! YES! I'M FREEEEEEEEEE! Anyway…today I leave for Spain. I'll be back in a week and a few days, then I'm here for four days, then I go to Australia, New Zealand, and the Fiji islands. Jet lag. Yaaaaaaay. That will be almost three weeks, so I'll be back and ready to write again on July 14th! Well, technically, I'll be back on the 13th, but you must allow at least one day for jet lag. Yaaaaaay. Review responses- **Fatalfeline:** Cloud: I'm not a traitor. I just really like the graphics on the PS2. Besides-Squaresoft bores me. And another thing- Sony has way better coffee.

I'd also like to give a special shout out to my pal EvilEnigmaticMoomba. She came up with an idea for a chapter in another story, which led to the title of this chapter, which led to a special animalistic appearance…yeah. Thanx pal! And by the way, all you reviewing people rock! Even if there's only been three of you….you still rock!

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: I thought of a way we can really make Nintendo mad!

Hunter: And what would that be?

Master Chief: How about we send Nintendo a little present?

Hunter: Like what?

Master Chief: You'll see…

Sony HQ

Kira: Are the commercials ready to be aired yet?

Daxter: Yep. And this disk has Microsoft's name written all over it!

Cloud: See? You people don't give me enough credit.

Kira: Okay then. Wait a minute. Isn't Nintendo going to realize that we stole the game?

Cloud: I highly doubt that.

Daxter: And they're on in 3…2…1! Yes! Commercials successfully on air!

Kira: I think I'll skip the evil laughter. You get it.

Nintendo HQ

(Fox is in the employee lounge watching TV when a commercial comes on)

Fox: What the-MARIO!

(Mario scrambles in)

Fox: LOOK!

Mario: Oh no! Now they're airing a commercial for our game! This is the worst thing ever!

Fox: I know! The Game is not ready for release yet!

Mario: Not that…(Commercial ends with 'Paid for by Microsoft Corporations'). Aren't people going to realize that Zelda is a Nintendo creation? Our loyal game fans are going to totally question our integrity! We're going to lose so much money because of Microsoft!

(Doorbell rings)

Captain Falcon: I'll get it.

(Opens door. There is a large box there labeled 'For Nintendo: A special surprise')

Captain Falcon: Great! This is really heavy…(drags it inside)

Link: What's that?

Captain Falcon: Don't know. A special surprise, I think.

( They begin to open the box. Suddenly a loud sound is heard, one that makes everyone shudder to this day. A sound that makes people's blood run cold, and makes everyone recoil in horror at the memory of it. The sound of…)

MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(…a cow.)

Captain Falcon: A cow? Why would anyone send us a cow?

Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(The cow decides that she strongly dislikes Captain Falcon, and goes on a rampage, heck bent on destroying anything and everything in her path.)

Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mario: What now-oh snap. (Mario avoids being run over by the berserk bovine by diving behind the water cooler.)

A few hours later…

(The cow has now totally destroyed twelve filing cabinets, eleven trash cans, ten stacks of mail, nine desks, eight paper shredders, seven office chairs, six printers and computers, put five holes in the wall from trying to kick Captain Falcon, sent four people to the hospital, three fax machines, two holograph machines, and a partridge in a pear tree.)

Fox (in a daze): I'm going to miss that partridge thing. The tree it lived in was nice, too.

Mario: What do we do now? The place is wrecked! Now we've _really_ got some maintenance problems….

Will Nintendo ever have a good day again? What will become of the crazy cow? What will happen to Microsoft if they find out what Sony did? Is The Game ever going to be released? Will Sony ever get in trouble for its wrongdoings? Will Microsoft ever do anything? Will the Squaresoft characters make an appearance again?

Find out, as soon as I am able to write again! –horsie890


	7. Cow and Queenie

I'm back until Saturday, so you'd better enjoy this chapter and review your heart out! Not literally…Anyway. If I get enough reviews, maybe I can get another chapter up before I leave. Lucky you. Review responses: **Zanzawolf aka Diego Zanzar** (that's quite a long name you've got there): Thank you very much. Hey, two nice words, I can live with that.

(let's see if I can spell this one right) **Snuerol-Akemi**: Thanks, I don't get mad at lazy people (just stupid, slow ones), and I will. Thanks for reviewing!

**DDK**: Yes, cows rock! I love interrupting you, but you didn't make me do it enough. You know I interrupt you a lot more than that. Thanks!

Okay. Review answer time is over. Story time is now.

Nintendo HQ, a few months later

Mario: Well, we finally replaced everything that stupid cow destroyed.

Cow: MOOOOOOOO! I'm not stupid!

Mario: Oh no. (The cow goes on another rampage.)

Fox: Someone call the cow handler!

Captain Falcon: The expert?

Fox: Can you think of someone better? Now MOVE!

(Link calls the expert cow handler.)

Link: Hi, that cow's gone off the deep end again because Mario called her stupid. When can you get here?…okay…well, that's a little expensive, but…yes, I know you're the best…please stop shouting…okay, fine, we'll pay for it! Just come over here as fast as possible!

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Captain Falcon: I'll get it.

Samus: No! Last time you answered the door, something bad happened! _I'll_ get it.

(Samus opens the door. Sephiroth is standing there.)

Samus: Who are you?

Sephiroth: I'm here to capture the cow.

Mario (running for his life and doing the Mario jump over various office supplies): HURRY UP BEFORE THIS COW KILLS ME!

Sephiroth: Okay, fine. Everyone stand back! (They do)

(Sephiroth focuses on the cow, who suddenly freezes while Mario keeps running…right out the door. The cow is surrounded by a ring of fire.)

Link: Why did we hire him? He's going to set the building on fire!

Sephiroth: Because I'm the best cow handler in the universe. (Puts a rope loosely around the cow's neck and starts to lead it out the door. The fire goes out.)

Link: So, how much do we owe you?

Sephiroth: Well…(whispers).

Link: WHAT! You said it was less than that!

Sephiroth: It's either that, or…(whispers).

Link: No! Not that! Anything but that!

Sephiroth: I'm not changing my mind.

Link: I don't have that kind of money with me right now.

Sephiroth: I don't work for free! Now someone better pay me before I get angry!

(Everyone except Link cowers A/N: hee hee…_cow_ers in a corner of the room.)

Link: Let me go check the safe…(runs to safe and returns five seconds later)

Sephiroth: And?

Link: Here's ten gold rupees. Is that enough? A/N: That's 2,000 rupees. I don't know how much in dollars, since the exchange rate always changes.

Sephiroth: I guess so. If I hated Nintendo, then it wouldn't be. At least you don't have Cloud on your side. Then I'd _really_ hate you.

Link: Whatever. So, what about the cow?

Sephiroth: Oh, don't worry about that. (starts dragging cow out the door, which is hard since she's still frozen and can't walk. Plus, she weighs as much as a cow.) This cow won't be bothering you again.

Link: (closes door after Sephiroth leaves.) Well, now what? Mario's gone. We can't do anything without our President.

Falco: What about the Vice President?

Link: That's me, you idiot!

Samus: Then what does Luigi do?

Fox: He quit a long time ago. Something about not being appreciated enough.

Link: Well, until we find Mario, I guess I'm in charge.

Falco: Don't let it go to your head.

Captain Falcon: Well, we'd better get back to the Security room. Bye Link and Fox! (Captain Falcon, Samus, and Falco leave.)

Fox: This is not okay. We have to get The Game back, recover our losses from paying Sephiroth, get Mario back, get revenge on Microsoft, and change all the light bulbs in the vault.

Link: I'm worried now.

Fox: About The Game?

Link: No. I'm worried because the coffee's almost gone, and I have no time or money left to go to the store.

Sony HQ

Daxter: Cloud! Cloud! Where is he…CLOUD! WHERE ARE YOU!

Kira: In his office, where else?

Daxter (runs to Cloud's office): CLOUD!

Cloud (puts down the mug of Columbian coffee he's holding): What now, you squirrel?

Daxter: I'm going to ignore that. We have a huge problem! Someone, I'm guessing Microsoft, sent Nintendo a cow!

Cloud: You're interrupting my coffee break for this?

Daxter: That's not all. The cow went on a rampage, and they hired a cow handler to get rid of the cow.

Cloud (quietly, to himself): Sephiroth…

Daxter: Yeah! He was supposed to work for us!

Cloud (slightly louder): Sephiroth…

Daxter: Uh, yeah…anyway, what are we going to do?

Cloud (angry voice, but still quiet): Sephiroth….

Daxter: I've made it very clear that it was Sephiroth, okay? So what are we going to do?

(Cloud gets very angry now.)

Cloud: I'M WORKING ON IT, YOU STUPID SQUIRREL! I'M TRYING TO THINK ABOUT WHAT SEPHIROTH'S WEAKNESS IS! SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, LEAVE RIGHT NOW AND DON'T INTERRUPT MY COFFEE BREAK AGAIN!

Daxter (runs to other end of building): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Cloud (drinks coffee): How many times do I have to tell people not to interrupt my coffee break?

Kira: What's wrong, Daxter? You look like you've seen a ghost that made you go deaf!

Daxter: What?

Kira: I said, you look like you've seen a ghost!

Daxter: What?

Kira: I SAID, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!

Daxter: No, I don't know what they've named the new game, sorry Kira.

Kira: GRRRRR! CLOUD, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM! (runs to Cloud's office.)

Cloud (puts coffee down): What _now_?

Kira: What did you do to Daxter? He can't hear anything!

Cloud: I don't know what you're talking about. He probably sat too close to the TV and lost his hearing.

Kira: No, he was okay earlier. He said he had to tell you something really important. What was it?

Cloud: Microsoft sent Nintendo a cow. (Kira looks confused.)

(A minute of silence while Kira's small brain works overtime trying to figure it out.)

Kira: Was that it?

Cloud: And that they hired Sephiroth to get rid of the cow. (drinks rest of coffee)

Kira: Oh. I wonder why he decided not to work here anymore…

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: That was GOLD! I can't believe the hidden camera in the cow's ear would work so great! (starts laughing)

Hunter: I have to admit, that was quite funny, especially the second rampage. But how did that thing have so much battery power?

Master Chief: Who cares? I didn't design it.

Hunter (to himself): That's a good thing. Otherwise it wouldn't work.

Master Chief: What?

Hunter: Nothing.

Squaresoft HQ

Sora: Does anyone know where Cloud went?

Kairi: You mean you still don't know?

Sora: Know what?

Kairi: He quit and went to work for Sony. Says the graphics on the PS2 are way better.

Sora: Better than what?

Kairi: You idiot.

Riku: Exactly. Did you know that Sephiroth quit too?

Sora: No. Did he even work for us in the first place?

Kairi: No, you idiot! He quit working at Sony! A/N: It was Sony, right? Correct me if I'm wrong! You know nothing. So, who's Sephiroth working for now?

Riku: He didn't say. I think it's something with cows, though.

Kairi: I can only guess where that's going.

At Albertson's: It's your store

Sephiroth: Yeah, I 'found' this cow. She went on two rampages, destroyed many things, totally trashed Nintendo, and has been emotionally traumatized. What do you want to do?

Person working at Albertson's: Well, I think that she would make a great steak…

Cow: Don't I get a say in this?

(Sephiroth and the person are quite surprised)

Cow: Since when do I have to be a steak? So what if that creepy person scared mmmme into running around an office building! There's no roooommmm to run around! I ran into stuff, but not on purpose! What kind of person would crammm that mmmmuch junk into one half of a roooommmm! AND WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS THING OUT OF MMMMY EAR? IT'S DRIVING MMMME INSANE!

(Sephiroth finds the camera, which looks like an ear tag, and takes it off of the poor cow's ear.)

Cow: Thanks. I never really liked having earrings.

Sephiroth: This isn't an earring, or even an ear tag. It's a camera.

Cow: Why would anyone want a picture of mmmme? Yes, I'mmmm a nice looooking cow, but really, just mmmmy ear?

Sephiroth: It's a video camera. I wonder who it belongs to…

Cow: You mean Mmmmmmicrosoft? I can show you where they are. They have horrible fooood there.

Sephiroth: No, I know where they are, thanks. You're still coming with me.

Cow: Do I have to be frozen again?

Sephiroth: Unless you want to be frozen here with many other cows, then no. Let's go. (Leads cow back to his house.)

Person who works at Albertson's: I've never seen a talking cow.

Person in line at Albertson's: Can I pay for this stuff yet? I'm never coming here again if I have to wait this long!

On the way to Sephiroth's house…

Cow: Are we there yet?

Sephiroth: We're still walking, so no.

Cow: Oh.

(They get to Sephiroth's house)

Cow: Now are we there?

Sephiroth: Yeah. Why do cows never talk?

Cow: We never have anything to say.

Sephiroth: What about those commercials for cheese?

Cow: Oh, yooouu mmmean that. Those cows are professional actresses. They get paid to talk.

Sephiroth: Paid in what?

Cow: Mmmmmoney, what else?

(Inside, we see that everything in Sephiroth's house is…)

Cow: Wow…

(…pink.)

Sephiroth: It's not my fault! My life is ruled by a cat!

Cow: A…cat?

(A cat appears.)

Cat: And don't forget it! Name's Queenie. Who are you?

Cow: I'mmmm…uh…Cow. I don't really have a nammmme.

Queenie: Cow is just fine. Hey, have you ever seen that show 'Cow and Chicken'?

Cow: Hay? Where? I haven't eaten in _hours_.

Queenie: Well, I'll fix that later. Right now, it's time for the grand tour!

Cow: Doooo yoooouu like the color pink?

Queenie: How could you tell? (Cow and Queenie walk down a hallway and around a corner, Queenie's mouth moving a mile a minute.)

Sephiroth: What have I done?

horsie890: Ummm…..sorry for all the randomness that makes no sense at all. I can't help it.

DDK: Pink?

EEM: _PINK!_

FF: PINK! YAY!

h890: No, not yay. I hate pink. Don't complain or ask why.

Cow: Wasn't going to.

DDK, EEM, and FF: A TALKING COW!

h890: Yep. Meet Cow.

Cow: It's nice to mmmmeet you all.

DDK: This is all so strange.

h890: Exactly. And she talks like that because...well...imagine a cow mooing, add extra m's and o's on words, and there you have it. Well, I'm going to go play my new video game now. Actually, it's not new to the market, only semi-new, but it's new to me.

EEM: What's it rated?

h890: E for Everyone, what kind of person do you think I am?

FF: What game is it?

h890: Pokémon FireRed. Don't say anything, any of you!

DDK: How can I when you keep interrupting me?

h890: Well, anyway…I hope you all liked this chapter. There might not be another one for a while, so enjoy it. I believe it's rather long, for my standards at least. Four pages. Review NOW. C U all eventually!


	8. Of Albertson's and coffee

I decided to be nice and try to write another chapter in which we find out if Link will ever get more coffee, what happens to Mario, how much Cloud really does like coffee, and what happens when Cloud finds Sephiroth. Goodness, I'd better start writing if I hope to fit this all in one chapter!

Meanwhile, at Nintendo…

Link: Well, it took a lot of work, but we finally re-earned enough money to get more coffee!

Fox: Who would've thought that we'd resort to a lemonade stand?

Link: Really. I'll be right back! (Link goes to Albertson's: It's Your Store.)

At Albertson's: It's Your Store

Link (walks up and down aisles, but can't find the coffee.): Where would it be? Fruit, no, cereal, no, cheese, no….here's where it would be: in the coffee aisle. Hey, where'd all the coffee go?

(There is no coffee anywhere. Link walks up to a person working at Albertson's, the one who saw the talking cow.)

Person: I've never seen a talking cow…Oh, hello, sir, how may I help you here at Albertson's? It's your store!

Link: What happened to all the coffee?

Person: Oh, we haven't had a chance to restock after that one person came and bought all the coffee.

Link: Someone bought _all_ of the coffee?

Person: Yeah, not five minutes ago.

Link: Well, who was it?

Person: Oh, let's see, what was his name again?….I don't remember. Something with a 'c'…

Link: Oh. Do you remember what he looked like?

Person: Yeah, he freaked me out because he had an enormous sword with him! He threatened to destroy the store if we didn't sell him all of the coffee.

Link: What kind of people live in this town anymore?

Person: He paid with a credit card from Sony. He said it was custom made.

Link: Thanks. I have to go find that person.

Person: Whatever.

(Link leaves, intent on blowing up Sony.)

Sony HQ

Daxter: Kira, we have another problem.

Kira: What, you still can't hear because of Cloud's yelling?

Daxter: Well, it's not as bad. But it's Cloud again. You see, yesterday we ran out of coffee…

Kira: I see where this is going.

Daxter: …so he went to Albertson's…

Kira: Oh no…

Daxter: …and bought all of the coffee they had. And paid with his Sony credit card.

Kira: Cloud, you're an idiot.

Cloud: What? I need coffee.

Kira: You didn't stop and think that when the credit card bill comes, someone might ask why you bought so much coffee?

Cloud (pulls out sword): No.

Daxter: But if someone comes over here, they might find out what we did! That's bad!

Kira: That doesn't make any sense.

Cloud: At all.

Daxter: It's logical reasoning!

Kira: What logic do you use?

Cloud: I think I've had enough brainless fun for one day. If you need me, I'll be in my office trying to locate Sephiroth. (walks away)

Kira: (when Cloud is almost out of listening range) Okay…can you say 'obsessed'?

Cloud: I heard that!

Daxter: I didn't.

(Someone knocks on the door.)

Kira: Quick! Everybody hide! I'll get it! (Everyone hides.)

(Kira opens the door.)

Kira: Hello?

(No one is there. Kira shuts the door.)

Kira: Wrong number. (The doorbell rings. Kira turns around and answers it. No one is there.)

Kira: Whoever you are, this isn't funny! Show yourself! (What Kira doesn't know is that Link has a remote control thingy on the doorbell so he can ring the doorbell whenever.

Link sneaks in through the not-so-secret door on the other side of the building while the doorbell rings, Kira answers it, no one's there, it rings again, and so on.)

Daxter: When do you think she'll realize that nobody's home? (Jak shakes his head.)

Cloud: I'm surrounded by idiots.

(Link checks the directory.)

Link (reading silently and thinking): 1st floor: Reception, 2nd floor: Security, 3rd floor: Games in progress, 4th floor: Showroom of finished games and consoles, 5th floor: Lounge and vending machines, 6th floor: Various offices, 7th floor: Vice President Cloud's office, 8th –9th floors: President Kira's office, 10th floor: Well, that's the roof. Basement floors: Basement 1: Storage, Basement 2:Janitor's closet, Basement 3: Coffee storage room, Basement 4: Vault of stuff we stole from Nintendo and Microsoft. WHAT!

(Link climbs down four flights of stairs.)

Link: What could they possibly have stolen from us….oh no. They couldn't have, we were so sure it was Microsoft! (He reaches the vault. It's unlocked, no alarms go off, no attack robots dispatched, and no security procedures are needed.)

Link: Those overconfident spineless little…They are so sure that no one will steal anything that they don't even try! (He finds the box for The Game, opens it to make sure the disc is in there, it is, he puts it in a backpack, climbs up one flight of stairs to the coffee storage room, and finds Cloud there.)

Link: Who are you, and what are you doing down here?

Cloud: Shouldn't I be asking you that? (Pulls out his sword.)

Link: So you're the person who bought all the coffee.

Cloud: So it would seem. And I don't want anyone stealing, so why don't you just go right back where you came from?

Link: Well, I've got news for you. You can't just go around buying lots of coffee like that.

Cloud: It's not illegal.

Link: Yes it is. (Pulls out small book of laws and turns to page 3. It reads, 'You can't just go around buying lots of coffee because we said so.' Signed, The People Who Make The Laws.)

Cloud: I can do whatever I want. I listen to no one.

Link: Well you're gonna listen to me. First off, you stupid jerks over here at Sony had better keep your hands off of our game, and second…GIVE ME BACK THE COFFEE!

Cloud: Someone here has anger issues, and it's not me.

(Link drops the backpack and pulls out the Master Sword.)

Cloud: You think you are worthy of fighting me with that stick of lead? Oh please. Spare me.

Link: Don't worry, I won't. (They start fighting.)

Author's Note: No details about the battle of not-so-epic proportions because this is rated Everyone. Don't worry, there's no blood. Besides, I'm not great at descriptions of anything important, so we'll skip ahead five minutes.

Five minutes later…

Link (grabs a huge bag of coffee): I win.

Cloud: Give…that…back…you…elf!

Link: Oh, you did not just say that.

Cloud: So what if I did?

Link: Now you've really done it. You've gone and made me mad. (Takes out Megaton Hammer and knocks Cloud unconscious with it.)

Cloud: Ooooo, pretty colors…(faints.)

Link: So there. (leaves and goes back to Nintendo HQ.)

(Later, Kira and Daxter find Cloud, who is still fainted.)

Kira: Cloud! My gosh, what happened to him?

Daxter: I don't know, but he needs to go the infirmary immediately! (Pulls out radio.) Alert! Alert! Man down, Basement 3! Get the emergency medical staff down here right this minute!

(Three seconds later, a medical team arrives and they teleport Cloud back to the infirmary.)

Kira: I wonder what happened to him.

Daxter: We'll ask him when he wakes up. Right now, we need to check for damages. (He does a quick inventory of the coffee.) One's missing. Let's run down to the vault and see how The Game is. (They run downstairs and find the door closed and locked.)

Daxter: Well, that's certainly a relief.

Kira: Someone's been here.

Daxter: How can you tell? It's closed and locked.

Kira: That's just it. We never lock the door.

Daxter: Let's go check then.

Kira: We can't.

Daxter: And why not?

Kira: Because once the vault's been opened and closed twice, it automatically locks, and a password is needed to open it.

Daxter: So say the password already! We don't have all day!

Kira: I don't know what it is.

Daxter: THEN WHO DOES!

Kira: Only one person ever knew what it was: Sephiroth.

Sephiroth's house

Queenie: So you see, Cow, I'm in charge of everything. TV shows watched, food eaten, furniture and decorations of the house-I rule it all.

Cow: Is that why your nammmme is Queenie?

Queenie: Yep. Like I said, don't forget it. And must you add all those extra letters?

Cow: Why whatever dooooo yoooou mmmmean?

Queenie: Never mind.

Sephiroth: Okay Queenie, it's time for dinner.

Queenie: I think I'll have…freshly caught grilled tuna marinated in lemon juice, ginger, salt, and that one kind of sauce I like so much. Follow that up with imported Roquefort cheese, a saucer of milk, and a small morsel of chicken. Then for dessert, a tiny scoop of strawberry sorbet afterwards. A cat needs to watch her figure, you know. Oh, and don't forget the sparkling water. How about you, Cow?

Cow: I think I'll have a flake of hay.

Sephiroth: Queenie, would you like the tuna sliced, diced, or bite size?

Quuenie: Bite sized. And Cow, goodness gracious, just a flake of hay?

Cow: That's what I always have for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks.

Queenie (shudders): I couldn't live like that. I need my pink paradise. Hurry up with that tuna, Sephy!

Sephiroth: Don't call me that. You know I hate it. (walks away and goes to kitchen.)

Cow: So, how did you end up here in the first place?

Queenie: I was a poor, abandoned kitten on the street. Somehow I wandered over here. Sephiroth reluctantly kept me, and I took over the house. He just can't get rid of me, though. Every time he acts like he's going to kick me out of the house-literally, mind you- I just have to use the old 'sad eyes' trick. Watch. (Queenie closes her eyes for a second. When she opens her eyes, she looks extremely sad and forlorn (A/N: Go 'Awwwww….'.))

Cow: Awwww… (A/N: Thanks!)

Queenie (resumes normal face): Exactly. I can get anyone to feel sorry for me.

Sephiroth: Come on, you crazy cat and cow! Dinner!

Queenie: Let's go, Cow. (They both walk into the kitchen and eat dinner.)

Sephiroth (thinking): I wonder what ever happened to Cloud…

Sony HQ

Kira: So when is Cloud going to wake up? (Cloud wakes up.)

Daxter: Right about now.

Cloud: Where am I? More importantly, where is that good-for-nothing elvish creep who knocked me out and STOLE MY COFFEE!

Kira: Yep, that's definitely Cloud.

Daxter: So, what happened to you, Cloud?

Cloud: Well, I had a feeling that someone would try to steal my coffee, so I snuck down to the storage room while you were working on the doorbell. I found someone walking up from the fourth floor vault. He asked what was I doing there, I said the same thing, we fought, sadly, he kicked the crud out of me-but only because he can hold his sword with one hand- and stole a bag of coffee, I called him an elf, and then he took out this silver hammer and knocked me unconscious. That's it.

Kira: What did he look like?

Cloud: Green. Very green. Oh, with pointy ears.

Daxter and Kira: Link!

Cloud: Riiiiiight…just get my coffee back and nobody gets hurt, okay?

Kira: Ummm…

Cloud: OKAY!

Daxter: Fine, fine, don't get so crazy. You know, between Little Miss Evil Laughter over here and the Coffee King from Beyond the Stars, I'm surrounded by insanity!

Cloud: You should talk, my furry friend. Actually, you shouldn't. So don't.

Kira: Really.

Meanwhile, we find Mario running for his life down the street, about ten miles from NHQ. When he finally realizes that the cow is no longer chasing him, he stops and jumps in the nearest warp pipe, taking him to (where else) Albertson's.

At Albertson's

Mario: I…need…water…

Person working at Albertson's who saw the talking cow and Link: I've never seen a talking cow or a person who wears so much green. Oh, hi, sir, how may I help you?

Mario: Wa…ter…please…

Person: Dasani, Aquafina, Evian, Arrowhead, Sparkletts, Fiji, or Pellegrino?

Mario: Fi…ji…

Person: Excellent choice. That will be $12.50.

(Mario gives the person 12 stars and 50 coins.)

Mario: Is that enough?

Person: Yes, here you go! Is there anything else I can do for you?

(Mario drinks all the Fiji water in the store before he is finally reenergized.)

Mario: Ah! No, that's enough, thanks. (returns to Nintendo)

Person: I have to put up with all the loonies today…

horsie890: Well, that was long and fun.

DDK: It didn't make any sense.

h890: I've been through this before. (takes deep breath, than talks fast) Idon'tmakesensesoeverythingIsaydoesn'tmakesensesodon'ttrytomakesenseofwhatIsaybecauseit'snotsupposedtomakesensebecauseI'msayingitandIdon'tmakesense. (normal speech speed resumed) Does that make sense?

FF: What? (laughs)

EEM: No.

DDK: Yes.

h890: I'm not explaining again, exactly, and…(bangs head on wall) CHANELLE! Anyway, I'd like to take this chance and ask my friend Chanelle how KH:S is coming along. Are you ready to start typing it yet? And are you EVER going to update your story? (cricket chirps) Anyway…review now, my fanfic friends!

Review responses: This one is for…**Cheezheister** (?): Thanks. Who said you have to say more?


	9. PS2, Past Links, & More Coffee

Well, thanks to Cheezheister (?), I have countless loads of numerous ideas now! Thanx again, yes I know I emailed the world's largest thank you letter to you, but really, you rock! **DDK**: Kira is from Jak and Daxter. Correct me If I'm wrong, but I think I said that earlier. Anywho…I'm updating right now, stupid! Sorry. But really, isn't it obvious? Don't answer that.:) (:

Anyway, here goes nothing!

Nintendo HQ

Mario: I have returned!

Link: From where?

Mario: Albertson's!

Fox: It's your store?

Mario: The very same! And I got tons of water. Cheap too.

Link: And I unstole our game! Turns out Sony had it, not Microsoft!

Mario: Who woulda thunk it?

Link (opens game box): I guess I should try it out now. (puts disk in special custom-made Nintendo holographic Gamecube.) Here goes nothing. Months of design work, graphics planning, configuring the whole thing- it all comes down to this. (presses on button. The screen begins as a very cool startup screen like in OoT, but then switches over to some commercial about Sephiroth's Cow Company: Where cows are friends, not steak.)

Mario: I don't get it! We didn't design it this way!

Fox: Yeah! Our version was way better!

Link: I bet someone planted a fake copy of The Game in that vault, and hid the real one somewhere else. The questions are who and where?

Sephiroth's house

Queenie: Whatcha got there, Sephy?

Sephiroth: Don't call me that, Queenie. It's a…present from Sony.

Queenie: Didn't you quit working there? Oh wait; you got fired because Cloud thought you were stealing all the good coffee!

Sephiroth: I'm innocent! You can't prove anything! Anyway…it's a sort of goodbye present, you might say.

Cow: What is it?

Sephiroth: Let's see, I worked for a video game company, what do you think?

Cow: Is it a mmmoooooovie?

Queenie: Uh, Cow, it's a video game.

Cow: I never would have guessed.

Sephiroth: I'm going to go lock it up in the super safe.

Queenie: Awww, can't we play it just for a couple of minutes, Sephy?

Sephiroth: DO NOT CALL ME THAT! And no, I don't want anyone to find it.

Cow: If I'm sitting in front of the TV, no one will.

Sephiroth: I don't know. It's not worth the risk…

Queenie: Pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezz? (does sad eyes)

Sephiroth: Oh…fine. But only for a few minutes. And don't let anyone find out…

(But Queenie has already put the game in the PS2 console, turned it on, and handed Cow a controller with special hoof-compatible attachments.)

Sephiroth: NO, YOU IDIOT! THAT DOESN'T GO IN THERE! (The PS2 starts smoking, then with a loud electrical zap, it blows up.)

Queenie: Oopsie daisy.

Cow: Moooooo.

Sephiroth: That was for the GAMECUBE, not the PS2. Now you've blown up my only PS2, my only chance at getting rehired by Sony, and my only chance of revenge against Nintendo! YOU STUPID CAT, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

(Queenie's face suddenly freezes in the sad eyes position.)

Cow: Are yooooouu okay, Queenie?

Queenie (with difficulty): I..can't..move my face.

Sephiroth: I knew that would happen. Oh well. Let's get this mess cleaned up and have a proper funeral for my poor, devastated, destroyed game console (sobs).

Cow: Mooooooo. I'm sorry.

(Sephiroth leaves to go mourn for the lost platform of greatness.)

Queenie: Well this is wonderful.

Cow: What, that your face is frozen and you made Sephiroth cry?

Queenie: No, my Italian pink leather cat-sized sofa has been ruined!

Sony HQ

Kira: Well, is the plan ready for Operation VG Recall?

Daxter: Yes. Step 1: Sneak into Nintendo. Step 2: Find and recover game. Step 3: Get the heck out of there! Step 4: Return to HQ and bask in our glory of achievement. Here's how the teams work. Kira, your job will be make it possible for Cloud, Jak and me to get in and out undetected. Cloud, since you're the official spy-

Cloud: Three years running.

Daxter: -then you will be the one to actually get the game. Not that me and Jak couldn't, it's just that-

Cloud: You don't want to make me angry and get fired.

Daxter: WHO TOLD YOU! Anyway, Jak and I will make absolutely sure that no one finds us, and if we do get spotted, Jak and I will be happy to fight anything they can throw at us. Right, Jak? (Jak nods.) Good. We will be in radio contact at all times, using these handy dandy headsets.

(Cloud, Jak, and Kira each take one from Daxter.)

Kira: Okay, so why does Jak have one if he never talks?

Daxter: He can hear, can't you, Jak? (Jak nods.) That's why. So let's kick it into high gear already, we've got a game to steal!

Cloud: Not steal. Borrow without asking and have no intention to return.

Daxter: Very good.

(They sneak off to Nintendo.)

Nintendo HQ

Mario: So the place is locked up for the night?

Fox: Yep. It's all good. We can go home now. At 11:00 P.M. (Mario and fox leave, but Link stays there.)

Link: You guys go ahead, I'll leave in a few. (He hides in the bushes.)

(Meanwhile, Kira, Jak, Daxter, and Cloud approach.)

Kira (whispering): Okay, you know what to do! Go go go!

Cloud (whispering): Will you shut up already? I'm right here, and we're using headset radios!

Daxter (whispering): Well, they've locked the door, so Cloud, unlock it.

Cloud: My pleasure. (Takes out sword and unlocks door by slicing off the door handle, letting the door open freely. Suddenly, a rustling is heard in the bushes. Daxter screams like a three-year-old girl and hides behind Jak.)

Kira: W-who's th-th-there? (Link steps out, hidden by the shadows.)

Link (puts on Fierce Deity mask): (in a dark voice) It's not in there.

Cloud: What's not?

Oni Link: What you're looking for. It's gone.

Kira: Where is it, then?

Link: Not here.

Daxter: Well, duh! Where is it now?

Oni Link: I don't know.

Cloud: You're starting to get on my nerves. Tell us where it is, or I'll slice you in half!

Oni Link: Really, I don't know who has it. And since you came here and tried to steal it from _my_ company, you shouldn't be talking.

Cloud: Talk later. Fight now.

Oni Link: It's your funeral. (pulls out the **_awesome_** double helix sword)

A/N: Now normally, I would skip this, but it doesn't take too long to describe. Why? You'll see…

(Cloud and Oni Link start fighting. The difference is that Oni Link can use magic. Cloud can't.)

Oni Link: You ready to give up yet, or do you want more punishment?

Cloud: I don't give up on anything, especially not beating you! (tries to attack Oni Link, who dodges it then fires many blasts of magic at Cloud.)

Cloud: Oh crud. (gets hit by all the magic thingies)

Daxter (into headset): Cloud, knock it off! You're our spy! You need to get into the building and find out where the game is!

Cloud (into headset): Well, since you and Jak don't seem to be doing much and Kira can't fight, then I'm just doing what no one else is! (attacks Oni Link again, but misses)

Oni Link: I've had enough fun for one day. (He takes the **_awesome_** double helix sword and hits Cloud over the head with the flat side.

Cloud: Not again…(falls unconscious)

Oni Link: So, tell me. What were you three-

Daxter: Four. (points to Jak) He doesn't talk.

Oni Link: -four, doing here anyway?

Kira: We were trying to ste-

Daxter (puts a hand over Kira's mouth): Uh, that is, _see_ if Nintendo had any tours right now! (whispers to himself) Yeah, that's good. (to Oni Link) But, I guess not. C'mon, guys and Kira, let's get Cloud back to where we came from.

Oni Link (holds sword against Daxter): You're not going anywhere, squirrel. Cloud, that's his name. Thanks. Now I can find out what company you four work for. (disappears)

Daxter: Let's get out of here! (With some difficulty from holding Cloud, they hurry back to Sony HQ.)

Daxter: Well, that couldn't have gone worse. (pulls out radio) Man down! Man down! Alert! Alert! Reception, level 1! (another medical team arrives and teleports Cloud back to the infirmary.)

Kira: This is just a huge mess. We have to find out who stole our game! (they run down to the vault to check for clues, until Kira realizes that it is still locked.) No problem, I'll just use my special Presidential key! (unlocks vault)

Daxter: You idiot! Why didn't you do that before?

Kira: Do what when? (they enter the vault, which looks very similar to Nintendo's vault. Even the game platform with the notecard is the same.)

Daster (reading notecard): _Thanks for the present, Sony!_ It's not signed. (turns it over, and a pink cat's paw print is seen.) I don't recognize this.

Kira: (takes it) I do. It's the symbol for some company I've seen…I remember! Come on, we have to go NOW! (grabs Daxter's hand and runs out of the vault (forgetting to lock it again), up the stairs, and out the door)

Daxter: Go _where_?

Kira: You'll see…

Sephiroth's house

Sephiroth: Well, I finally got the mess cleaned up and had a funeral for the poor defenseless console known as the PS2.

Queenie: Look, I said I was sorry!

Cow: Hey, sommmmeone's coming! (Queenie and Sephiroth ignore her)

Sephiroth: I don't even know why you still live here!

Queenie: Because I'm in charge, and I don't leave unless I feel like it!

Cow: Uh, Sephiroth and Queenie? We've got a problem…

Sephiroth: You're not in charge, I am! If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have a place to live!

Queenie: And if you would've told me that it was a Gamecube disk, then I wouldn't have put it in the PS2!

Sephiroth: Gamecube disks are half the size of PS2 discs! You should have noticed that!

Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Sephiroth and Queenie are silent.)

Cow: Will you just listen? Sommmmeone's commmming!

Sephiroth: Oh great, I wonder who it could be…

(Just then, a loud pound is heard on the door, which falls forward off of its hinges. Daxter is seeing stars, since Kira just slammed him into the door.)

Daxter: Ooooo, pretty colors…hi, Sephy!

Sephiroth: Do. Not. Call. Me. That. And the door was unlocked.

Kira: Where is it, Seph?

Sephiroth: Where is what?

Kira: You know what. (holds out the notecard, with the pawprint side showing)

Sephiroth (to Queenie): _Why_ did you sign it?

Queenie: 'Cause.

Kira: I'm not going to ask you again. Where is the game?

Sephiroth (sighs): I don't have it.

Kira: Yes you do.

Sephiroth: Yes I _did_. But because of Queenie the Idiot Cat, I don't have it, or my PS2.

Kira: She put the GCN disk in the PS2?

Sephiroth: Yes.

Queenie: Hey, no one told me!

Kira (startl;ed): It t-t-talks!

Cow: Mmmmee tooooooo!

(Kira screams.)

Kira: This is so freaky!

Sephiroth: Tell me about it. So basically, I used to have the game, I don't now, and I lost the best console in the entire world because of a cat.

Kira: Uhhh…see ya! (Runs out the door.)

Sephiroth: Oooookay. (Kira returns)

Kira: Sorry. Forgot this. (picks up Daxter, _then_ runs out the door, and back to Sony HQ.)

Cow: Moo.

Queenie: What do we do now?

Sephiroth: She's going to send Cloud.

Cow: And?

Sephiroth: I **hate** Cloud.

Nintendo HQ, the next day

Link: Well, after doing a little research, it turns out that Kira, that squirrel named Daxter, and the silent person named Jak are all from the game Jak and Daxter. And Cloud is from Final Fantasy seven.

Mario: And they were all here last night?

Link: Yep. They were trying to resteal The Game, but I didn't let them. Thank you, Fierce Deity.

Fox: So who has The Game now?

Link: Well, since Cloud is with Sony, and the person is against Sony, it must be someone also against Cloud. And there's only one person that really hates Cloud: Sephiroth.

Mario: Then as President of this fine establishment, I say we go get our game back!

Link and Fox: YEAH!

Link: I have an idea. Perhaps we can get some help from my friends.

Mario: How many of them, Link?

Link: Only one. Or two. Or thirteen.

Mario: Fine, get all of them. Just don't do anything stupid!

Link: Yes! (runs down to a basement full of Nintendo's consoles, each stocked with one of the Zelda games.)

Link: The original LoZ, Adventures of Link, Link to the Past, Link's Awakening, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask (that's me), Oracle of Seasons, Oracle of Ages, Wind Waker, Four Swords Adventures, and the Minish Cap. Eleven games, a total of fourteen Links, and they can all help get The Game back. Alright, guys! Come on out! (A flash of green light comes from each console, with the exception of the one holding the Four Sword adventures game. That one has four different colored lights.)

Link: Hi, everybody! (Each light turns into a different Link.)

OoT Link (as an adult): Hi, MM Link!

OoS Link: Hi, other Links!

OoA Link: Yeah!

MC Link (Minish Cap, although…): Yo, sup! MC Link is in the house! (MC Link is a rapper:) )

MM Link: Maybe I shouldn't have invited him…anyway, welcome, Links of the past!

LttP Link: Right here!

MM Link: Hi. Well, we have a small problem. Somebody stole The Game! (collective gasp)

AoL Link (you'll figure it out eventually): You mean the one that was at E3 and is on the Internet? (Has a laptop from America Online around his neck.)

MM Link: The same. A weirdo named Sephiroth has it, so…(puts on Fierce Deity mask) It's time for VG recall! (holds sword up in the air)

All Links: (raise swords in the air) YEAH! (With Oni in the lead, they all run out of the basement and Nintendo HQ in an angry mob-like fashion, toward Sephiroth's house.)

Back at Sony…

Kira: I can't believe the game is gone.

Daxter: I wish Cloud would wake up. (Cloud wakes up.)

Cloud: Ouch…that really hurt.

Kira: Well, you were out for about…oh, say, eight hours!

Cloud: Really. We need to go get the game back. I'm assuming you found it since I was asleep?

Daxter: Well…yes and no. We found it, but it was destroyed.

Cloud: Who had it?

Kira: You don't want to know.

Cloud: Yes I do.

Kira: No you don't.

Cloud: Yes I do!

Kira: No you don't!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: Yes!

Kira: No!

Cloud: No!

Kira: Yes!

Cloud: No!

Kira: Yes!

Cloud: No!

Kira: I said yes, and I mean it Cloud!

Cloud: If you say so. Tell me who it was. (Kira realizes what she did and slaps herself.)

Daxter: Sephiroth.

Cloud: Well, then let's go punish Sephiroth for being such an idiot.

Kira: Whatever. (They all go to Sephiroth's house, only to find the Link mob at the door.)

Oni Link: What are you doing here? We've got a game to recover!

Kira: You idiot! The game is gone!

OoT Link: What do you mean, gone?

Daxter: That's exactly what she means! It's been destroyed!

MC Link: Yo, you mean someone jacked it then messed it up? Snap!

Kira: Uh…yeah. We just came back because Cloud wants to fight Sephiroth…

Oni Link: Cloud?

Cloud: The one and only.

AoL Link: From Final Fantasy seven.

Cloud: If you didn't know that without the help of that laptop…

Oni Link: Talk later. We have to get back at Sephiroth for this. Sephiroth! Open up!

(Sephiroth opens the door, then is surprised by the large number of Links there.)

Sephiroth: I told you before, I don't want what you're selling! (slams the newly repaired door)

Oni Link (stabs door with sword, pulls door out of the frame, then hurls it across the street, hitting an innocent bystander and knocking him unconscious.) Might you reconsider?

(Sephiroth gets a good look at Oni Link's white eyes, war paint, and **_awesome _**double helix sword, then screams like a girl and runs faster than Speedy Gonzales up the stairs and into another room.)

MC Link: Yo, after him! (They all chase Sephiroth and eventually surround him in a circle, swords drawn.

What nobody knows is that Sephiroth is deathly afraid of…)

Sephiroth: (girly scream) AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

(…forks. When he was a little kid, he saw a movie where forks took over the world. He's been afraid ever since.)

Sephiroth: No! It's happening again! _The forks are attacking!_ SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

Queenie: Cue the heroic music, because it's Queenie to the rescue! (Queenie joins Sephiroth in the circle of swords, claws out.) Hit it, Cow!

Cow: Right! (presses play on the stereo. Theme music from Final Fantasy VII begins.)

Queenie: Super cat mode! (Queenie is surrounded with pink lights, then turns into a cow-sized cat that stands on two legs and has pink full body armor on.) Bring it!

Links: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! (All the Links do various attacks such as lunges, sword spins, using bombs, boomerangs, fire wands, formation attacks courtesy of the Four Sword, and firing magic at Super Queenie.)

Super Queenie: Take that! And that! And some of this! And a few of those! (Basically, she's just scratching everybody in different combinations.)

horsie890 the director/authoress: Cut, cut, cut! I said no details of violence! Who's writing this, anyway?

Darkdragonknight1993 the assistant director: It's you, stupid.

horsie890: Oh yeah. Sorry, I forgot. EEM, how is the configuration coming along?

EvilEnigmaticMoomba the executive producer: What's that mean?

Fatalfeline: How's the organization of the story-

h890: Fanfic movie.

FF: Right. How's the organization of the fanfic movie coming along?

EEM: Oh, that. I don't know. The computer is doing it for me. I'm enjoying a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich right now.

h890: You lazy good-for-nothing! GET BACK TO WORK! WE'VE GOT A DEADLINE!

EEM: Yeesh. Fine. See if I let you borrow my iPod again.

h890: I don't have to. I've got my own!

DDK: Quiet on the set! That means both of you! Lights, camera, we're rolling in 3…2…1, action!

h890 (whispers): Fine, I'll shush. But I'm still in charge, and I say no graphic violence!

DDK: Shhhhhhh!

h890: Grrr…

After the battle is over…

(Various Links are standing around the room, some injured, some nearly unconscious, others completely okay. (Oni Link has returned to MM Link.) Super Queenie, however, has taken a lot of damage and has fainted.)

Sephiroth: Queenie! Nooooooooooooo!

MM Link: Oh yeah, we're good, uh huh, oh yeah…(does happy dance.)

MC Link: Can I get a booyah?

All Links: Booyah!

AoL Link: We have been successful!

MM Link: What do you think about that, Sephiroth? Don't even think about fighting us. Remember … what was it… oh yes, the forks! Beware the four-pronged stainless steel horror!

Sephiroth: No, not the forks! MAKE THEM GO AWAY! I SURRENDER!

Mario: Good. So now what do we do?

Cloud: I want to fight Link!

OoT Link: Which one?

OoS Link: You'll have to-

OoA Link: -be more specific.

LA Link: I love California.

WW Link: So which one, Cloud? Even though I'm obviously the best…

MM Link: You are not! (MM Link and WW Link are exact opposites. After all, M is W upside down, and W is M upside down.)

Four Sword Links (all at once): What about us?

OoT Link: I don't think it matters. We're all really good.

OoS Link: I guess-

OoA Link: -you're right.

MM Link: Let's vote. All for letting Cloud choose? (OoT Link, OoS Link, and OoA Link raise their hands.) Okay, Pick a number one through fifty? (AoL Link, LA Link, and LttP Link raise their hands. How about everyone attacking him in a mad brawl?

All Links: Can I change my answer?

horsie890: No, there's been enough fighting. How about…

MM Link: I've got a better idea! (holds out bag of coffee) Cloud?

Cloud: MY COFFEE! GIMMEEGIMMEEGIMMEEGIMMEE!

MM Link (runs out the door and down the stairs): You'll have to catch me first!

(Cloud chases MM Link, but MM Link whacks him over the head with the coffee, once again knocking him unconscious.)

All Links: YAY! WE WIN!

Kira and Daxter: No…we lose. (Jak shakes his head.)

Mario: Well, everyone, let's go home.

Fox: But what about The Game?

Mario: Don't worry about that. We've got all the information saved on the databases back at the office.

MM Link: Then why didn't we print more copies?

Mario: Well, I kinda thought that someone would try to steal it, so I made sure only one copy was printed. Plus, we need to make sure there are no mistakes.

Fox: Okay. Hey, who's the squirrel? (points to Daxter)

Daxter: Name's Daxter. Work for Sony. Look, no hard feelings, right?

Fox: Of course not. (shakes Daxter's hand, but Daxter gets shocked because Fox had a hand buzzer attached to his hand.)

(All Links, Kira, Jak, Mario, and Fox laugh.)

Daxter: Ow…heh heh, that was pretty good. Come on, Fox. (starts walking out the door while discreetly sticking a 'Kick me because I was dumb enough to let someone stick this on my back,' sign on Fox.) I think this is the beginning of a great friendship….(snickers evilly)

horsie890: Well…I'm leaving in a couple of hours, but since all of you are so great and rock hard, I decided to write this chapter with AoL Link, LA Link, MM Link, WW Link, and (my favorite) MC Link! For those of you who didn't know, Oni Link does NOT mean adult Link. Oni means 'demon' in Japanese, if I'm right. And hopefully, you figured out that I really, really, REALLY like the **_awesome_** double helix sword. Also anyway, this is it for quite a while, so enjoy and review. I accept anonymous reviews, so if you want to just do that so you can review a million times it's okay with me-

DDK: YOU IDIOT! NOW THE ADMINISTRATORS ARE GOING TO KNOW! (chases horsie890) EEM: This is funny. FF: What? (laughs) horsier890: I like horses waaaaaaay more than horsie890. horsiest890: I like them even _more_! horsie890: EXCUSE ME? IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, YOU TWO WOULDN'T EXIST, SO DON'T BE TALKING! (silence and cricket chirps) horsie890: Uhhh…yeah. Anyway, I really hope you all liked this chapter. Response for EEM: No, it's a moooooooovie:) Yes, yes, go you.great, you're welcome, potatoes…? I changed the story a teeny tiny leetle bit. Also, for the last few sentences…oh joy. And thanx!

Review response for DDK: Yes, oh sad, gr8, …wait, I already answered this! STUPID! (horsie890 hits herself over the head with some lovely potted shrubbery) horsie890: I had that coming. Well, goodbye for now, and I leave you with a quote that describes how I feel about supplying chapters to my readers…

"As long as these pants are square, and this sponge is _Bob_, _I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN!_"

See ya'll later! –horsie890

P.S. Review now.

P.P.S. A lot.

P.P.P.S. As much as possible!

P.P.P.P.S. Muahahahahahaha! (choke) Ummm…bye now.:)


	10. Chapter Nine and a Half

horsie890: Well, here goes more nothing!

Nintendo is having a celebratory party!

MC Link: Yo, yo, yo! This is MC Link, your…uh…MC for the evenin'! Oh yeah, MC Link is in the house!

Mario: Can I make an announcement, MC Link?

MC Link: No, I'm the MC! I make announcements, yo!

Mario: But you don't even know what I'm going to say.

MC Link: Alright. (walks off stage)

Mario: Attention, everyone! (they ignore him) (clears throat) Attention! I have an announcement! (Everyone is still talking or eating or purposely ignoring him.)

(OoT Link walks onstage)

OoT Link (puts on Zora tunic): (takes deep breath) EVERYONE SHUT UP!

(Silence)

Mario: Well, guess what, everyone?

Everyone: What?

Mario: I said guess! Anyway, The Game is finally ready for release! (all cheer)

MM Link: So, we've prepared a special trailer for everyone, as well as a few GCN's set up with it, so you can play it later. Without further ado, here is The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess!

Everyone: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah!

I left this out on accident. Please don't hurt me! (cowers behind a horse) Review pweez.

-horsie890


	11. The Chapter That Never Ends

I am back! 2 ½ weeks, but I'm back and ready to write. Review responses:

EEM: Oooookay…. Cheezheister: You are the best idea-er in the world of chaos that is FF.N!  
Yay for you! Welcome on staff as my co author!

FF: If I've told you once, I've told you a million and one times…I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FINAL FANTASY! NOTHING! NADA! ZERO! ZIP! ZILCH! N-O-T-H-I-N-G! Anyway...yes, I made Queenie up.

DDK: Yes, you are the assistant director. And you didn't invite me to be in the movie? You're so hurtful…not really. Go Goofy Goobers! MM Link is from Majora's Mask. I already said that.

Well, that was fun.

Nintendo HQ, the next day

Mario: that was a great party. And The Game seemed to be a huge success.

MC Link: Who's up for kickin' it old school!

(Silence and cricket chirps)

LttP Link: That's me! Link to the Past! ME! ME! ME!

MC Link: Never mind, yo.

Mario: Well, we can't release The Game yet. (A/N: This is because we know that even when a game is totally ready beyond all reason, the company won't release it for one of two reasons: They are mean or there is a perfectionist on staff.)

AoL Link: But why? I've been calibrating it for two days trying to make it perfect!

Fox: We know that. First we need better security measures if we are going to release it, especially because of Dax.

MM Link: I think I know just who to call…

Sony HQ

Cloud: NOT _AGAIN!_

Kira: What _now?_

Daxter: It wasn't me!

Cloud: SOMEONE TOOK THE COFFEE! EVERY LAST BAG OF IT!

Kira: Is that it? We can get more.

Cloud: (running around in circles) REVENGE! REVEEEEEEEEENGE!

(The phone rings.)

Kira: Hello? (Rings again) Hello? Who's there? (Rings again, since Kira hasn't actually answered the phone.)

Daxter: (picks up phone) Hello? (Rings again, since it hasn't been answered.) I think it's busted.

Cloud: REVEEEEEEENGE! I'll get it. (Answers phone.) (calmly) Hello?…oh, hi, Mario…now why would I do anything for you?…WHAT THE…..care to run that by me again?…you'll give it all back if I do? Well, you drive a hard bargain, but sure, I will. Okay…bye. (Ends call.)

Daxter: Who was it?

Cloud: Our Ninty pals stole my coffee so I would help protect The Game.

Kira: You're not actually going to help them, are you?

Cloud: Relax. I've got a plan…

Nintendo HQ

Fox: So, once the rush season is over, and if you've done a good enough job, you'll get the coffee back. Here's one bag for now.

Cloud: COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mario: Yeah…well, thanks for helping Cloud. (Cloud is ignoring him because in ten seconds flat with the help of a supersonic coffee maker, he has made coffee.)

Cloud: (drinks coffee) Ahh, much better. Now, what was that again?

Mario: Thanks for helping us. We need it.

Cloud (to himself): Believe me, I know.

Fox: So, is Daxter planning any pranks?

Cloud: Nah, he's been too busy avoiding my wrath. It's not like his brain is big enough to think anyway.

MM Link: Alright then. Here's what you do. You always have to have these two CD's with you. One is the rewritable copy, and the other contains all the cheat codes.

Cloud: Thanks…(takes CD's.)

Mario: And now we can release The Legend of Zelda: The Twilight Princess!

All of the gamers that have been waiting for this moment for years: YEAH! YAAAAAYY!THREE CHEERS FOR NINTENDO! HOORAY! HOORAY! HOORAAAAAAAAAYY!

(Nintendo releases The Game, and all is right with the world. Sadly, a dark and evil plot is taking hold right in the midst of all the happiness and Nintendoness, and only one person knows what it is…mainly because it's his plan.)

A few months later…

Squaresoft HQ

(phone rings; Riku answers it.)

Riku: Hello? Hi, Dax, how's life?…really…good thing I've been working on it then…I wonder why they waited so long…well, I'll get on it right away…okay, I'll make sure they pull pranks on Fox…alright…bye. (ends call)

Riku: They finally released it.

Kairi: It certainly took them long enough. (Sora enters)

Sora: Who did what when?

Riku: Nintendo released The Game. Now it's a huge success.

Sora: But they waited so long! I guess we couldn't trust them after all…

Kairi: Well, we get our revenge. We're sending Nintendo the gamers.

Sora: But won't they realize that The Game has been released?

Riku: No. I've been brainwashing them for three months, on the off chance we would need brainwashed video gamers.

Sora: Oh.

Kairi: And now we sit back and watch the fun.

(A/N again: Now it may seem like Microsoft has been out of the picture for a while. Not anymore…)

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: Did you hear about the whole disaster with Sephiroth's PS2?

Hunter: Yeah, it was all over the news. So much for keeping it quiet.

Master Chief: Sephiroth is an expert cow handler. We could use someone like that...

Hunter: How?

Master Chief: For wrangling cows.

Hunter: We have no cows!

Master Chief: Yes we do! Where do you think I got the cow for Nintendo? Let's see if Sephiroth will join us.

(They go to Sephiroth's house)

Sephiroth's house

Sephiroth: Nonononononononono!

Master Chief: Aww, come on, pweeez?

Sephiroth: What does no mean to you?

Hunter (whispering to Master Chief): I happen to know he is terrified of forks.

Master Chief: Come to our headquarters, I think I may have something to convince you…

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: What do you say to…(pulls out a plastic fork) this!

Sephiroth: It burns! IT BURNS!

Hunter: No comment.

Master Chief: This evil mutant fork from beyond the silverware cabinet is going to take over the world with its fork army if you don't join us!

Sephiroth: I'll do whatever you want! JUST DON'T USE THE FORK!

Master Chief: We need you to get the two CD's that Cloud is supposed to be protecting.

Sephiroth: I can do that easily enough. I need seventeen refrigerators, 500 gallons each of strawberry, orange, mango, and watermelon juices, a really big generator, several large planks of wood, and lots of sugar.

Hunter: Why?

Sephiroth: It's all part of the plan.

Master Chief: Okay then…(They get the supplies)

(A/N: Why did not one person ever tell me I was spelling Keira wrong? You all suck! Not if you review, though.)

Sony HQ

Keira: I wonder how Cloud's doing?

Daxter: Let's just hope the whole coffee thing works out.

Keira: Good thing we called Squaresoft and made a deal with them to send Nintendo the gamers.

Daxter: I'd love to go watch that, but I have to prepare a few pranks for Fox. Sorry Keira.

Keira: No problem. I need to stay here and run Sony, so I guess I will ever now how the gamers react to Nintendo.

Nintendo HQ

(Nintendo has been giving Cloud some of his coffee back by demand. Cloud has discovered that this gives him a certain power over Nintendo. He has a plan, and is not afraid to use it.)

Cloud: More coffee!

Mario: No! Not until rush season ends!

Cloud: Well, I _could_ always just toss these out on the street…

Fox: NO! We'll give you more coffee, just don't do that!

MM Link: I guess I'll get the door, since everyone's been ignoring it. (answers door)

Gamers: Need games…need games…need games…(they're like zombies)

Fox, MM Link, and Mario: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Cloud: Oh chill. They're just gamers that have been brainwashed. It's no big deal.

(Fox, MM Link, and Mario are hiding.)

Cloud: Well, I'll see you guys later.

Mario (from behind the sofa): Where are you going?

Cloud: Since I've had my coffee, I'm leaving.

Mario: Nooooooo!

Cloud: See you later, losers. Oh, and I'll be keeping these discs. You can have the gamers, though. (leaves)

Gamers: There they are! (run as fast as upside down turtles to where Mario and friends are hiding)

horsie890: I'd rather not put in the details. Let's just say that many shoes were thrown, however there were no casualties.

EEM: You're taking all the fun out of it.

horsie890: Fine. The only casualty was an amoeba that got run over. Then its leftovers reformed and it was alive again. Hooray.

Sony HQ

Cloud: Nice touch with the gamers, everyone.

Daxter: Thank you. My idea.

Keira: Well, now what? Can we have the game discs?

Cloud: Let me think about it…okay, no. I'm starting my own company, and it's going to be better than Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo ever was! (leaves)

(Silence for five minutes)

Keira: What just happened?

Daxter: We just lost our best spy and Vice President.

Keira: Do you know what this means?

Daxter: I get to be the Vice President?

Keira: No…we need to either get Cloud back or destroy his company before it takes off.

Daxter: Aww, come one, can I be VP?

Keira: I don't know…what about Jak?

Daxter: He never talks!

Keira: And you talk too much.

Daxter: Please, Keira?

Keira: Oh…fine. But only until we get Cloud back.

Daxter: Hooray!

Cloud's house

Cloud: Okay…I've been working on this for a while, and it couldn't be more perfect. I'll call it…Olympus! And my company will be Cloud 9! Sometimes I'm so smart it's scary. I'll also include a special collectable Cloud action figure. Collect all five.

Hundred.

Well, I think I should make it so this platform can play any type of game from any company. Plus I'll do Final Fantasy VII, of course. And KH and CoM. I'm going to be so rich, it's incredible!

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: So, how's the plan coming, Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Look! Giant ice pops!

Master Chief: _That_ is what you needed all the stuff for?

Hunter: What a waste.

Sephiroth: No, really! Apart from being delicious, since the refrigerators used CFC's, they're also mutant!

Ice pop: Roaaaaaaaaaaarr!

Sephiroth: And with my army of ice pops, I will go recover The Game!

Hunter: Good, because if you don't…

Master Chief:…we use the forks!

Sephiroth: Whimper. (Sephiroth and the army go to Cloud's house.)

Cloud's house

Cloud: Sephiroth…what are you doing here?

Sephiroth: I need the game discs.

Cloud: Sorry, but no. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do.

Sephiroth: Army, attack!

Ice pops: Roaaaaaaaaaarrr!

Cloud: What the- what are those?

Sephiroth: My army of ice pops!

Cloud: (I can't defeat those…crud.)

A few minutes later…

Sephiroth: Any last words, Cloud?

(Cloud is in a corner, surrounded by ice pops. It seems like there is nothing he can do, until…)

Cloud: What's this? (A ghostly hologram appears in front of Cloud. It is…)

Hologram: Hi,Cloud!

(…Yodaxter.)

Cloud: Dax? What are you doing here?

Yodaxter: I've been sent to rescue you! (clears throat, then talks in Yoda-speak.) Use the forks.

Cloud: The force?

Yodaxter: No, the forks I really mean. Terrified of them he is.

Cloud: I don't have any forks with me.

Yodaxter: Yes you do. Open one of the game disc boxes you must. Find a fork you will.

Cloud (opens box): Hey look, a fork!

Yodaxter: What did I say? Now defeat Sephiroth you must, or forced to talk like this forever I will be.

Cloud: Okay. See ya, Dax. (Daxter disappears) Beware of the sterling silver highly detailed weapon of mass destruction and chaos that is…A FORK!

Sephiroth and ice pops: AAAAAAHHH

Sephiroth: RUN AWAY! (They all scatter)

Cloud: Hey, I actually won. Ha! So _there_, Sephiroth!

Nintendo HQ

Mario: I'm so glad we made extra copies of The Game. Those insane zombie gamers were, well…insane.

Fox: I now officially hate shoes.

MM Link: I think the only reason everyone wants our game even though it's already out is the format. I mean, come on, it's got killer graphics, a knockout plot line, and it's the best one so far! Who wouldn't want it?

Mario: At this rate, we're going to need an entire army to keep possession of it. Code Toast!

(Fox and MM Link gasp)

Fox: Not Code Toast!

MM Link: That's so extreme!

Mario: We have no choice. Initiate Code Toast!

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: You totally failed, Sephiroth. You know what that means…

Sephiroth: No! Please! NOT THE FORKS!

Hunter: (to Master Chief) Maybe he could help us get the robot army ready as punishment.

Master Chief: Okay, fine. You can help us build our robot army to get The Game, or face the cutlery used for eating and serving food known as the FORK! (Sephiroth screams like a girl)

Sephiroth: I'll get right on that! (Starts planning plans for a super robot army)

Hunter: Why do we want The Game?

Master Chief: Because the format for that masterpiece is brilliant. Just brilliant. Remember, the 360 still needs games.

Hunter: So we're launching a full force attack just for a game format?

Master Chief: Pretty much.

Sony HQ

Keira: Apparently there's some sort of war about to start. I guess we should join in.

Daxter: How come?

Keira: Cause I'm bored, and Jak needs something to do.

Daxter: Okay…what should we make the army out of?

Keira: Let's see…Final Fantasy people, Metal Heads, or I guess we could use Heartless.

Daxter: Me! Pick me!

Keira: No, we're not using an army of Daxters. They're far too annoying, and…wait a second. That's it! Dax, step into the cloning machine!

Daxter: What'd I do?

Keira: Nothing yet, but it's what you're going to do that matters.

Daxter: Oh, alright. If you say so. (enters cloning machine)

Keira: Here goes somethin'! (tries to start the cloning process, but isn't that smart, so accidentally clones Daxter _and_ triples his annoying power, and each Daxter is a different side of his personality; all Daxters exit cloning machine and line up in army-like ranks)

Cheese-loving Daxter: Cheese!

Keira: What have I done?

Daxter the stater of useless information and other obvious facts: The world is round!

Original Daxter: Alright, maggots! Listen up! Ten-hut! (all Daxters and Keira are silent. Daxter puts on an army uniform and stands in front of an American flag) Men-and Keira-we are gathered here today because of a video game. But not just any game. _The_ Game. Nintendo's pride and joy. The format and graphics on this thing are incredible. Sadly, it's already been released- (everyone says 'Awww…')-but I do have good news.

Keira: You just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico?

Original Daxter: No. It's only out in two countries. All we have to do is make sure that it doesn't live to see the UK, Canada, Mexico, Spain, France, Italy, or any of those other nice places.

Soldier Daxter: Yes sir, Lieutenant Daxter!

Sugar-hyper Daxter: Anyone got a lollipop? (Everyone shakes their heads) Darn.

Original Daxter: Now everyone-except Keira, you stay here- let's go get our game!

All Daxters except overly cautious Daxter: Hooray! (They follow Daxter to Nintendo)

Overly cautious Daxter: It's not safe out there. (gasps) Or in here! What with this crumbling foundation, paper-thin support beams, and endlessly high levels of the building…IT COULD COLLAPSE ANY SECOND!

Keira: Chill out.

OCD: Chill out? CHILL OUT? What if there was an earthquake right when the martians invaded and that volcano opened up in the middle of the floor? Would you be able to chill out then?

Keira: I guess not, but-

OCD: Exactly! We must prepare! (starts putting pillows everywhere and duct-taping all the doors, windows, and the ceiling) There we go. _Now_ we're safe. Almost. (gives Keira a helmet and puts one on himself) There we go.

Keira: This is ridiculous! Nothing is going to happen to Sony or us!

OCD: Not anymore, now that I've helped.

Keira: Grrr…

Nintendo HQ

(For those of you still wondering what Code Toast is, you're about to find out…)

Mario: Are you sure this is everybody?

Fox: How many more people…or other things…do you need?

MM Link: It's going to be quite a war.

OoT Link: What about the-

OoS Link: -Soulcalibur 2-

OoA Link: -people?

Mario: Got them.

Fox: Fire Emblem?

MM Link: Check.

Samus: Metroid?

Fox: Yep.

Mario: Let's just go down the list.

MM Link: Here goes. Mario, Dr. Mario, Paper Marios 1 and 2, Luigi, Waluigi, Wario, Kirby, Samus, Fox, Falco, Slippy, Peppy, Captain Falcon?

All of the aforementioned people: Here.

MM Link: All my Linkish pals, twins, or otherwise, Zelda, Medli, Komali, Saria and Kokiri minus Mido, Rauru, Nabooru and Gerudo friends, Ruto (shudders) and Zoras, Darunia and Gorons, Aryll, Impa and whatever Sheikah are left, and other LoZ characters who are choosing to remain nameless?

Those people/fish/elves/birds/lizards/rockthingers/other: Here.

MC Link: MC Link is in the house, yo!

All: We know.

Mario: Marth, Roy, Eliwood, Hector, Ephraim, Erika, and Lyn from Fire Emblem?

FE people: We're here.

Marth: I'm better than Roy.

Roy: You are not!

Marth: For one I'm smarter…

Roy: How stupid do you think I is?

Marth:…way better at fighting…

Roy: Says who?

Marth:…and I don't complain about anything.

Roy: Dad! Make him stop making fun of me!

Eliwood: (whacks Roy over the head with the flat side of his sword; Roy faints) Problem solved.

Lyn: I can't believe you did that.

Eliwood: Desperate times, desperate measures.

Mario: DK crew?

DK crew: Here!

MM Link: Does Ganondork have to be on our side?

Ganondorf: I'm still a Nintendo character, whether you like it or not!

Mario: All of you shut up! (room falls silent) Now then. We're going to be up against some tough competition: Microsoft's computer technology is hard to defeat, and Sony, however annoyingly stupid, is quite crafty. So just go out there and do your best, okay? The Mario characters will go to Sony, and the LoZ, Fire Emblem, and others will go fight Microsoft. Understood?

All: Yes sir! (They salute)

Mario: Team StarFox will be attacking both companies from the air.

Fox: I've heard that Andross might drop in.

Falco: Big deal. He's either going to help us, or I'll destroy him with one wing tied behind my back!

Slippy: You mean like last time?

Falco: I told you not to mention that ever again.

Mario: I think we're ready. Oh, before I forget. Everyone gets a special spell that will be different for each person according to his or her abilities.

All: Okay!

Mario: Now let's go fix this whole mess!

Everyone: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! (they split into their respective groups and run to Sony and Microsoft, while Team StarFox takes to the skies)

Microsoft HQ

Master Chief: So, how's that army coming, Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Almost done…(tightens a loose bolt) There! An entire army of robots! Voice controlled, manual override, air conditioned…these puppies have it all!

Hunter: We should use forks more often.

Sephiroth: Don't let them get me! (whimpers)

Master Chief: We should have a ton of foot soldiers, Banshee pilots, drivers, a well as a million robot controllers for these things. Oh boys…(Halo and Halo 2 people, and online players all show up) Good. You've all been briefed on this mission?

Everyone: Yep…got it…sure did, chief!

Master Chief: And one more thing before you go. This is _not_ Red vs. Blue. It's everything vs. Nintendo, so…treat it like Capture the Flag. The Game is the Flag. Get it?

Everyone: Yep…got it…sure do, chief!

Master Chief: Good. Now go out there and make me proud to be an American! Oh, and yourselves, too. The goal is not to have fun. It's to win! (they all separate and go towards Nintendo and Sony)

Whew! Such a looooong chapter. I felt that I owed you reviewers because I've been gone. There's going to be more, don't you worry: )

-horsie890 over and out!


	12. Fights, Fire, Forks, and Flying

(All of the armies left their respective companies at the exact same time: 8:42 A.M. So they end up meeting in the VG Town Square. Except that Sephiroth went home.)

VG Town Square

(From the South, a large army of robots stands against the horizon, surrounded by swarms of Halo soldiers and Flood. In the West, hundreds of thousands of different Daxters gather. And to the North…Nintendo's carefully trained soldiers stand ready for battle. In Team StarFox's case, they hover in the air high above the square. Even StarWolf and friends have showed up to defend the honor of Nintendo.)

Daxter: What are you doing here?

Mario: We're here to take you down!

Online player from Halo 2: Not if we take you all down first! (Halo people cheer)

Fox (into a headset): What should we do, Mario?

Mario (into headset): Spell this in the air…

Fox (listens): Roger that. StarFox out!

(The airplanes start flying in random patterns, spelling the words 'Go Nintendo! The rest are going down!' in smoke.)

Mario: Thank you, Fox! Alright, everyone! Attack!

Master Chief: Move out, troops!

Original Daxter: I like toast! (translates to 'Go beat the crud outta them!')

(The battle commences. The Halo characters are using massive amounts of weaponry and insults.)

A random Halo 2 online player: (to Marth) You'll never amount to anything!

Marth (sarcastically): Oh, ouch. (does that weird sword-dance-thinger from SSBM, and KO's Halo 2 online player)

Roy (no longer unconscious): Good one, Marth_a_. (laughs maniacally)

Marth: If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that one…you won't live to see tomorrow if you say that again.

Lieutenant Daxter: Don't make me get Jak in here!

Luigi: I'd like to see you try.

Lieutenant Daxter: Hey, Jak! Come here! (Jak runs over)

Luigi: Well, you tried.

L Daxter: (whispering to Jak) Why don't you show him how bad Dark Jak is?

(Jak looks slightly freaked out, but ends up turning into Dark Jak anyway)

Luigi: Aw snap. (Dark Jak KO's Luigi)

(Link runs over, then does a sword spin to KO Dark Jak)

Link: That'll teach you Sony freaks to steal my style of ears and put them in another game!

Meanwhile, at Sephiroth's house…

Cloud: I told you, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: Look again. (the ice pops reform and surround Cloud again)

Cloud: You suck. (A crash is heard in the kitchen, and Kirby runs into the living room…and Cloud)

Kirby: I'll save you, Cloud! (sucks up the fork Cloud is holding, and a bottle of blue fire that one of the Links left there a long time ago)

Cloud: Huh?

Kirby (transforms into a Kirby with a spiky blue hat that has two forks criss-crossing on it): I am now…Blue Fire Kirby of the Evil Metallic Long-Handled Item of Demonic Properties!

Cloud: In American, please?

BFKOTELHIODP: I'm Pyro-Kirby with a fork.

Cloud: Oh.

Sephiroth: (girly scream) Keep it away from me!

BFKirby: (breathes blue fire on ice pops, who actually melt even though blue fire isn't hot. BFKirby takes out a giant fork instead of a hammer and hits Sephiroth, making him fly right into the middle of the battle)

Cloud: Thanks, but why did you help me if you're from Nintendo?

BFKirby: I'm from where?

Cloud: Well, Nintendo, I think. But…not anymore.

BFKirby: Did I move away?

Cloud: Well…if you're my friend, then you could say that.

BFKirby: What now?

Cloud: We go destroy Sephiroth, Microsoft, and Nintendo.

BFKirby: The place I used to live? (Cloud smacks himself in the head)

Cloud: They didn't like you so they kicked you out. (thinking 'Is your brain just an empty cavity of air with a hamster on a wheel that stopped moving years ago?')

BFKirby: Then I guess we'd better go pay them back for it, right?

Cloud: Oh yes let's.

BFKirby: Can you fly?

Cloud: Yeah.

BFKirby: Me too!

(Cloud and BFKirby fly to the battle, watching from the air as Fire Emblem people mercilessly attack Sephiroth, Daxters use so much annoying power that the robots overload and blow up, and the Nintendo characters are kicking the crud out of Sony's army)

Fox (on Arwing's radio): Hey, guys, who's that?

Slippy: Looks like Kirby, but who's the other guy?

Falco: As I always say: Shoot first, ask questions later.

Wolf: Why don't you come work for us, Falco? We share the same values.

Falco: Not a chance, Wolfie boy.

Fox: Attack formation H for my team. As for Wolf…just don't kill Kirby.

(Wolf and friends form a triangle shape and start shooting at Cloud while Fox tries to catch BFKirby on Arwing's wing)

(Cloud's super-senses tell him to grab BFKirby and fly somewhere else. He does, narrowly being shot by a barrage of lasers)

Clou: What the- what was that?

BFKirby: It's a bird! It's a plane!

Cloud: It's StarFox. To the ground, Kirby! And fast!

(BFKirby, who is puffed out like a balloon, immediately exhales, falling to the ground like the blob of taffy he is. Cloud's wing folds in, allowing him to skydive to the ground and land on his feet (sweetness:):)

Lieutenant Daxter: Where have you been, soldier?

Cloud: I don't work for you anymore, remember? You don't need to know. (Fox and team circle back around, firing lasers at everything)

Cheese- loving Daxter: Eat cheese, traitor! (fires cheese at Cloud with a cheese gun, completely covering him with good ol' American cheese sauce)

Cloud: You messed up my hair.

Mummy Daxter: Huh?

Cloud: You messed up my hair! Die, dead dude! (takes anger out on mummy Daxter with Omnislash instead of attacking cheese-loving Daxter)

Lieutenant Daxter: It appears as though you have misread the signals! I know a guy named Fluffermutter who once misread the signals in a combat situation! Now he eats everything from a mechanical straw!

Cloud: That's…wonderful. I'm leavin' now. (goes to another part of the battle)

Meanwhile, at Sony, Keira is having a migraine.

Sony HQ

Keira: I have a migraine.

OCD: Don't worry! Now that the motion sensors are set, the attack dogs are right outside, the building has been triple reinforced with steel, and 911 is on speed dial-947267#- we can all relax.

Keira: Except me! This stupid helmet is squeezing my brains like toothpaste!

OCD: But at least you're safe in case an earthquake occurs. (Keira shrieks in exasperation)

Keira: You have got to be the worst side of Daxter! I can't think of anything worse!

OCD: There is only one part of Daxter that's really bad. The good side.

Keira: That makes no sense!

Good Daxter: Hi, everyone! I made cookies! They're completely organic, so they're good for the environment.

Keira: Ooookay…

Good Daxter: This place is a wreck! I'll just deactivate this sensor so I can tidy up a bit!

(deactivates motion sensor and starts sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, and singing, all at once. This causes Keira to finally snap, as she is not a neat freak by any means)  
Keira: That's it, you little squirrels! You're going down! (chases them and they run outside, where Keira collapses from the strength of her migraine)

I don't really know if Cloud can fly. I'm just going along the lines of my imagination. That's a recipe for disaster. Oh well. The word of the day is review. Follow it, grasshopper, and perhaps you too will one day become a great toast monster.


	13. MC Battle or Iron Chef Roy

Back at VG Town Square

(Although their numbers are great, Nintendo's forces are slowly being beaten back by the combined strength of the Halo warriors and annoyingness of Daxter. Links have fallen. Mushrooms have exploded. Robots have been destroyed, and squirrels thrown into the air only to be run into by a fighter plane. And Cloud is the one that is winning the most. Until it's time for a lunch break.)

Mario: Lunch time!

(All the Nintendo people stop fighting, then eat lunch. Marth, who is fighting Cloud, has a pickle and ham sandwich. Cloud loses it.)

Cloud: Get it away from me! Don't let it touch me!

Marth: What'd I do?

Roy: Looks like you've actually scared him, Marth_a_.

Marth: I hate you so much right now.

Cloud: It's a pickle!

(Cloud runs home, screaming worse than a crowd of fangirls, who promptly chase after him. Cloud wishes he could fly, forgetting that he can. Nintendo people cheer.)

MM Link: We might actually have a chance!

Peaceful Daxter: There must be a way other than fighting. We should settle our differences peacefully.

Music-loving Daxter: Should we instigate Plan HTH?

Peaceful Daxter: It's the only way.

Music-loving Daxter: Alrighty then. (presses button on stereo. A high pitched voice starts singing, and everyone immediately recognizes it. Some smile, others groan, and still others start to dance to the beat. It is none other than…)

Voice: Here we go.

(…the Hampsterdance.)

Mario: Oh great.

Master Chief: My favorite song!

Music-loving Daxter: Daxters, be ready.

(Over the happiness of the song, a rumble is heard in the East. It is much like many, many small feet pounding the ground. A blur appears and turns into millions and millions of hampsters and hamhams.)

Luigi: What are they doing here?

Taki (SC2): Can we blow them up?

Voice: That's it.

Sophitia (SC2): What's it?

Voice: That's all there is to it.

Cassandra: Huh?

Mario: I think…we should set aside our differences, stop fighting, and have one giant party!

Master Chief: I'm okay with that. Soldiers, cease fire, drop your weapons, and dance to the song!

Halo 2 online player: He must be joking.

(The hampsters arrive and start dancing)

BFKirby: Hooray! (starts singing with Hampton, but cannot match his awesome hampstery voice of hampsterness)

Kilik (SC2): This is ridiculous.

Talim (SC2): Awww, they're so cute! (picks up Bijou from Hamtaro)

Eliwood: This is a battlefield. NOT a hamster playground.

Roy: Oh, lighten up, dad! They're just hampsters!

Eliwod: They're WHAT?

Roy: Hampsters. Hampton's best friends. Oh, and the Hamhams. They're with Hamtaro.

Eliwood: I'm starting to really hate ham…sters…and ham…

Pet-loving Daxter: I'll take care of them!

Daxter the mercenary: Kill! Must kill cuteness! CAN'T STAND CUTENESS! (takes out a flamethrower and tries to attack hampsters and hamhams, but pet-loving and peaceful Daxter(s) stop him)

MC Link: Party time!

Mostly everyone except the extreme cuteness-haters: Hooray!

(Soon after, a stage is set up for MC Link. Captain Falcon and DK are in charge of the barbecue, which, needless to say, isn't going too well. Roy wants to help, but CF and DK don't notice. The mob o' Links is busy setting up the dance floor, and WW Link is supposed to be picking out music…)

Roy: Hey, can I help?

DK: Oo oo ah ah!

Captain Falcon: You're just a kid, kid. Leave the cooking to us men.

Roy: He's not even a human! (leaves, exasperated)

WW Link: Hey, music-loving Daxter? I can't decide between song 1 or song 2. What do you think?

Music-loving Daxter: Hmmm…

Hamtaro: Let me fix that! (Shoves a CD into the player. The Hampsterdance comes on.

Master Chief: Hooray! I wanna be the MC now!

MC Link: No way, yo, that's my job! You can't steal my job!

Luigi: Why don't you both do it? (the world falls silent) What?

MC Link: Dude, _everybody_ who's _anybody_ knows that there can only be ONE MC at any party. And that (puts on sunglasses and turns the Minish Cap backwards, though none notice) is me.

Master Chief: Aw, come on! It's my life's dream!

MC Link: Well…I don't know…alright. But if anyone else hears that I willingly let you, then I'll knock ya into the next Tuesday of the next millennium!

Master Chief: Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! You won't regret this, I promise! (runs backstage)

MC Link: I think I already have… (Master Chief comes back wearing a giant gold medallion that practically causes him to fall over with every step)

Master Chief: Okay! I'm ready! Start the song over. (Hamtaro gladly does)

Alright, y'all! It's time for a little song I like to call the Hampsterdance! (replacing the voice in the song) Here we go!

MC Link: I think I'm gonna be sick, yo…

(all dance. Master Chief is doing the robot, while MC Link is incredibly embarrassed)

MC Link: (replacing voice) That's it! (more song and dancing)

Master Chief: That's all there is to it! (more music)

MC Link: Alright, everybody, now here we go!

Master Chief: It's a brand new version of the do-si-do!

MC Link: Just stomp your feet and clap your hands.

Master Chief: Come on everybody, it's the Hampsterdance!

MC Link: Bounce in time to the beat hey!

Master Chief: You don't even have to move your feet!

MC Link: Just shake your thang, let me see you move!

Master Chief: Now spin around and feel the groove!

Hamtaro: Yeeeeeeeehaw!

MC Link: Let's try it. (…)

Master Chief: You're catching on. (…)

MC Link: Terrific! (…)

Both: Come on everybody…clap your hands.

Come on everybody…it's the Hampsterdance!

Come on everybody…clap your hands.

Come on everybody…it's the Hampsterdance! (…)

Master Chief: Here comes the music. (at the end)

Hamtaro: Heeyahahahaha! (applause)

MC Link: Thank you, thank you, no applause, just money please! (laughter)

Master Chief: Good one.

MC Link: You're an idiot.

Master Chief: Is that in MC code?

MC Link: Uh…yeah, sure. If you say so yo.

Master Chief: Hooray! (leaves)

Tucker (Halo: Red vs. Blue): I swear, if they do Rich Girl, I'm gonna lose it.

Doc (Halo: Red vs. Blue): Seriously. Hey, look at that! There's a barbecue!

Church (Halo: Red vs. Blue): And?

Doc: Well…I'm hungry.

Caboose (Halo: Red vs. Blue): (evil voice) Can I eat your head? (he's a schizo)

horsie890: What are you morons doing here? And I said no graphic violence!

Tucker: Who are you?

horsie890: I'm the authoress of this fanfic, and quite frankly, **I've had it with you people!**

Mario: What's an authoress?

MM Link: You don't want to know.

horsie890: They're evil monsters who have limitless knowledge of computers and write fanfiction all day long while begging for reviews. It just so happens that I'm in charge of this one, and it makes no sense! Which is good. (everyone looks lost)

Lyn: Why are you here?

horsie890: To stop the Red vs. Blue people from turning into cannibals. They're not even supposed to be here.

Tucker: We like parties.

Doc: With barbecues!

horsie890: You idiots.

Church: Well, you don't have anything to worry about, little girl, because-

horsie890: Care to repeat that? I'm not a little girl! I may be short, but I'm not stupid! I can handle these people just by typing somethin' on a computer!

Doc: You don't need to get upset.

horsie890: Cork it, medic boy!

(Meanwhile, at the barbecue…)

Roy: Aw, come on! I do this all the time at home! Besides, you seem to be having a little trouble.

Captain Falcon (notices the burning hamburgers): Uh, no I'm not! I'm just…trying to prevent E. coli!

Roy: You are wearing a bright pink apron with white lace and a giant red heart that says 'Cooking is spelled with a 'k''. You _are_ aware of that, right?

Captain Falcon: Uh…(in this lost moment of attention, the hamburgers burn. Roy, being the pyro that he is, uses his sword to stab them and throw them off the grill, where they smolder to ashes. After putting more burgers on the grill, he uses the sword like a spatula and, in a very Spongebob-like manner, flips them in the air when they're done, slices all lettuce, cheese, and other various condiments, then watches as they all fall into perfect hamburgers)

Roy (takes a bite of a hamburger): Now _that's_ how to grill. (Eliwood walks over)

Eliwood: Roy, that sword is a precision fighting instrument used in battle.

Roy: And now it's a precision spatula used to flip burgers. You know they're good.

Eliwood (sternly, in that adult I'm-going-to-raise-my-voice-soon-so-you'd-better-stop-doing-that-and-listen-to-me voice): Roy…

Roy: Sorry, can't talk now. Got customers! (heads off to fill the hunger needs of all the people and creatures there, leaving Eliwood stunned)

Eliwood: He is _so_ going to get it later…

Marth: Aw, come one, he is pretty good at grilling. He does it all the time.

Lyn: And usually sets his house on fire.

Marth: Oh yeah. I remember that. It was really funny…

I love having a co author. Especially one who likes pickles so much, even if I don't. Follow the word of the day: review.:)


	14. Actually chapter 13

MC Link: Now that I'm back in control, everyone listen up! A few of us swordfighting people have deciding that there will be a-

Sophitia: Fencing tournament!

MC Link: Hey- never interrupt the MC, yo. But she's right. If you want to enter, then sign up over where MM Link and that random Halo person are. (Spotlight shines on MM Link and the Halo person. They wave.)

Halo 2 online player: Do energy swords count?

MC Link: Sure, why not?

(There is a stampede of people that want to enter. Among them are Cloud and Sephiroth, who want to take this opportunity to kill each other using their weaknesses: forks and pickles)

Cloud: You're going down, Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: Hey, at least I'm not terrified of PICKLES. (Cloud tries not to scream at the word pickles.)

MM Link (puts on Fierce Deity mask): Everyone, a relatively semi-neat single file line would be great! I have magic and I'm not afraid to use it! (everyone lines up nicely) Thank you. Now in order to compete, you have to have a sword. NOT anything else. Understood?

Oni Link worshipping fanperson: Yes Oh great Oni Link master sir! (salutes)

(This particular fanperson is wearing a t-shirt that says 'Oni Link is the best ever', has a cardboard sword almost exactly like Oni's, except that you can see the marker scribbles and glue on it, an officially unofficial Oni Link baseball hat that reads 'No one can beat Oni Link', a 'Hooray-4-Oni' small flag, Oni Link stationary set-- even though Oni Link hates stationary with a vengeance, this idiot is too blind to see that-- a super-limited-edition-gold-plus-only-one-ever-made Majora's Mask game with all the masks and a special cheat code this person invented so Link can be Oni Link all the time, and, as if that weren't enough, every Nintendo console with Oni Link casings and all Zelda games specially designed by this geek to have Oni Link in it instead of normal Link)

Oni Link: Good. Now, if you're name's not Link then leave…just kidding, you idiots! (sees everyone starting to leave)

(after a few minutes)

Oni Link: Okay, the first match is Cassandra versus this random Halo person.

Cassie: I'm gonna win!

Halo person: Wait…what? (person is shoved into the ring by Tucker) I didn't sign up for this! Who told me this was karaoke? TUCKER! (Tucker runs away laughing his head off while Caboose chases him threatening in an evil voice to eat his head if it falls off)

Oni Link: 123go!

(A short while later…)

Oni Link: Wait! We forgot to decide the announcers and officially start the tournament!

The other random Halo person: Can I have a sandwich?

Oni Link: The announcers will be Falcon and Falco. And for Nayru's sake, take that ridiculous apron off, Falcon!

CF: But it makes me feel pretty!

Falco (looking up at sky, appealing to the Godesses): Why me?

CF: Why _not_ you?

Falco: Because I don't associate with imbeciles!

Oni Link: Just deal with it, birdbrain!

Falco: Grrr…(to himself) I'm getting paid extra for this, I'm getting paid extra for this, I'm getting paid extra for this…

CF: Hi everyone, and welcome to the Tournament of Fences!

Falco: Don't you mean fencers?

CF: No, really, this card you gave me says fences.

Falco: (sees card) No, you moron, it says fencers! (sighs) Fine, just ignore it. Keep reading.

CF: The first match: (does wrestling announcer's voice) From Soulcalibur 2, the one, the only, the blonde- CASSANDRA!

Cassie: Yay! (enters ring after praying for Sophitia, even though she's also there)

CF: Versus: (SC2 announcer's voice) A hardcore soldier fights to bring down the covenant.

Halo2 person: No! I'm a wimp! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAASE!

(Halo2 person is shoved into the ring)

Falco: Ready…fight!

(Shortly thereafter…)

Halo2 person (falling off edge of stage): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! I want my money baaaaaaaaaack…

Cassie: And that's the second win! Yes!

AoL Link the Internet geek: My calculations show that anyone who bet on Cassie's success wins seven dollars.

Anti-AoL people (includes horsie890 the authoress): His mind has been corrupted by the evil of AOL! Purification! PURIFICATION! (They grab AoL Link and drag him off to their headquarters)

Falco: Next up, it's Sephiroth-

CF: Aww, can I say it? I do it way cooler!

Falco: Fine, just hurry up.

CF: (Regis Philbin voice) Let's play Who Wants to be in the Next Match! Looks like…Sephiroth is in the hot seat!

Sephiroth??? (enters ring in spite of CF's strangeness)

CF: (cheesy game show host's voice) And the princess-kidnapping party-crashing lizard all you Mario fans know and hate, iiiiiiit's Bowser!

Bowser: Roar. (enters ring, nearly flattening Sephy)

Sephiroth (yelling at authoress): I told you people not to call me that!

horsie890, who has magically appeared at the tournament): Just shut up and deal with it!

Sephiroth (to Bowser): You're just like a cow with scales.

Bowser: Roar.

Falco: Ready, begin!

(Bowser tries to grab our old pal Sephy-)

Sephiroth: Hey!

(but Sephiroth freezes him with his cow-controlling prowess and knocks him off the stage in true SSBM style)

CF: Well, that was certainly anti-climactic.

Falco: Tell me about it.

CF: Very well then. (CF proceeds to describe the five-second match in excruciating detail to Falco, whose eye twitches the entire time at his own idiocy.)

At AAOL (Anti AOL) HQ

horsie890, who has magically appeared from the Nintendo party/tournament: It appears as though he is not an innocent AOL user, he is (gasp) an AOLer.

horsie891: What should we do?

horsie890: We have no choice. I prescribe straight NetZero use until further notice.

horsie889: Very well then.

AoL Link: Don't I get a say in this?

horsies889, 890, and 891: NO!

hee hee…more soon. Review. By the way, I haven't been getting many reviews that are always telling me to update. I mean, if you people don't want chapters very often because you're busy and it's hard to keep track of all the fanfictions you're reading (though I'd be shocked if you weren't only reading mine), then okay…tell me please if you wish I would update more.


	15. The Evil Toast Monsters FBTC

(Chaos at the tournament…)

Oni Link: I thought I told you Bowser, only swords!

Bowser (holds up an energy sword stolen from the first Halo person): Raaaaawwwrrr!

Oni Link: Oh. Well, anyway, next is Cloud versus Marth!

Cloud: Finally! I take you out of the game, and then it's Sephy's turn!

Marth: In your dreams, blondie.

Cloud: You did not just insult my hair! **DIE, EVIL BEING!**

Marth: Whatever.

(Cloud charges at Marth in a blind rage, trying to get revenge for his hair, which has been deeply insulted.)

Marth: Note to self…never insult Cloud's hair. (faints)

Cloud: My hair has regained its integrity!

Oni Link: Alright, Ego Boy, out of the ring. Next round, please.

Cloud: Must the insults continue?

Oni Link: I said _LEAVE_. **NOW**.

Cloud (whimpering): Okay, master. (runs out of ring)

Oni Link: Next, it's fencergirl00 and…who is this weirdo…Raphael? Whatever, just go, I'm getting hungry! Roy, bring us some burgers!

Roy: Sure thing, pal!

fg00: Bring it!

Raphael: En guarde.

Oni Link: Sorry, I don't speak German. Well, go ahead and kill each other.

fg00: Wait! We need battle music! MC Link?

MC Link: Right on, yo! (presses play; American Idiot plays in Spanish)

fg00: That's not right! Next song.

MC Link: Right. Sorry, yo. (YMCA plays)

fg00: No, that's wrong. Keep going. (Come Clean from Hilary Duff) Gaaaahh! Change it, quick! (Hampsterdance)

C. Falcon: YAY!

fg00: Had enough of that. Keep trying. (Goofy Goober Rock; horsie890 sings along) NO! (Barney song plays) CHANGE IIIIIIIITT! (MC Link tries; track won't change) Evil possessed music player! (smashes it with her sword)

MC Link: No! My precious! How could you, you're such a monster! (cries for hours)

I raised from just a little iPod! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, YO?

fg00: Guess not. Let's go! (Five minutes later…Raphael is unconscious on the ground.) Knew it. Me rocks.

Oni Link: Whatever. And now…

C. Falcon: The match…

Falco: …

C. Falcon (whispering to him): Say it!

Falco: …

C. Falcon: SAY IT!

Falco (grumbling): of the century! It's Cloud versus Sephiroth! (crowd gasps and cheers at the same time, causing several of members of it to faint from lack of oxygen)

Halo person: Hey!

fg00: What about the rest of us?

Oni Link: Yeah, seriously, what's going on up there?

Cloud (in announcer's box, handing Falco and C. Falcon large sums of money in personal checks): Uh, nothing! Just…delivering a pizza! With forks!

Sephiroth: I SURRENDER! To the forks, not you, Cloud. PICKLES!

Cloud: Must…resist…girly…scream…can't! EEEEEEEEKK! (screams into microphone, causing the rest of the crowd to faint/ go deaf/ -'s ears to bleed.)

Oni Link: Pleeease let's get this over with! And try not to spill too much blood. We just had the arena steam cleaned and detailed yesterday…

Sephiroth: We make no promises.

Cloud: That's the only thing we can agree on.

Falco: Ready…

C. Falcon: Set…

Both: GO!

(Cloud immediately flies into the sky using Omnislash, but Sephiroth uses awesome cow powers to try and freeze him in midair. Cloud knocks away the spell, back at Sephiroth, freezing him, then knocks him out of the arena. He lands on the ground to one person clapping: The Oni Link worshipping fanperson. His massive barrier of Oni Link stuff protected him from the other crowd-killing circumstances. He thinks Cloud is cool too, but that Oni Link is the best ever.)

Cloud: Well, it's better than nothing. What do I get?

Oni Link: Uhh…(clears throat) (professional voice) Allow me consult with my associates. (goes to Falco and Falcon)

What do we do! We never came up with a prize!

C. Falcon: Give him the entire Cloud action figure set.

Falco: He made them, you idiot!

C. Falcon: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!

Falco (slaps himself in the face): **WHY?**

Oni Link: Why don't we give him toast? It goes great with coffee.

Falco: You don't really think he would go for that, do you?

Oni Link: It's the only way. (to Cloud) Just a minute while we get your prize.

Cloud: Take your time.

(Oni Link and Falco start cooking, then realize they're out of flour.)

Falco: Hey, Falcon, go get us some ground flour, okay?

C. Falcon (misinterprets): Your grammar is horrible, but okay.

(C. Falcon sneaks over to Sephiroth's house, where he keeps his prizewinning pretty pink and purple petunias.)

C. Falcon: (grabs flower) Um, flower, you are grounded until further notice. (…) Don't give me that attitude! (…) No, it wasn't my idea. Now stop complaining, I don't know what you did! (goes back to Oni and Falco)

Oni Link: Great, you're back. Now where's that flour?

C. Falcon: Here you go! (hands him flower)

Falco: No, you idiot! Not _that_ kind of flower! Flour? Oh, I meant the white stuff you put in baked goods!

C. Falcon: Oooooohhh, why didn't you say so? (gives them radioactive flour)

Falco: Thanks (under his breath) I hate you.

Oni Link: (five minutes later) And now, we have toast!

(But the toast is glowing green. It grows black crusty arms and a pat of butter for a nose and menacing jelly eyes.)

Toast monster: It is I, the leader of the Evil Toast Monsters From Beyond the Coffeepot! Feel my wrath! (runs around in circles, then looks at Cloud. Its minions follow.) Long has our kind searched for the one with hair the color of the dairy product known as butter and harder than the crust on the most charred of toast.

Cloud: Uh, thanks. I use lots of hair gel. (to Oni Link) Hey, great prize, man!

Oni Link (to Cloud): You're welcome! (to Falcon) _What have you done? _

Falco: It…it…it was his fault! (points at the flower)

Cloud: Sure, I'll be your leader.

Toast monsters: Huzzah! (They all carry Cloud to their secret headquarters behind a coffeepot at his house.)

Sorry it took me so long. I hope you liked it!


	16. Chapter of chapters

I know, it's been forever, but trust me when I say high school is no picnic. Especially where I go. Biology is where I come up with some of the jokes in this thing. I hope you like it, and sorry again for the wait!

* * *

Cloud: I know just how we can defeat them.

LotTM: How, o Chosen One?

Cloud: Here's the plan…WE HOLD AUDITIONS FOR A PLAY!

LotTM: That…could work…

Cloud: What are you talking about? I invented it! Of course it'll work.

Nintendo HQ

MC Link: Hey, I just got a phone call from Cloud, and you know what he said, yo?

All: WHAT?

MC Link: We're gonna do a play! (silence and cricket chirps)

fg00: Is that really the best you could come up with?

h890: What? I think it's a great idea!

fg00: I don't get paid enough for this job…

h890: You get paid?

MC Link: Aw, come on! It'll be fun, yo!

MM Link: I don't know… maybe we should do something else. THE MATRIX!

MC Link: That works too! I know! Get this…

(drum roll please…)

The Matrix Dance Dance Revolutions! (all cheer)

Cloud: Hold it! That's not part of the plan!

Sephiroth: It is now! Attack, Pop Tarts from Inside the Pantry! I, Lord of the Land of Yellow Blobby Objects, command thee to do my bidding! Arise, my minions! Smite the power of Cloud with your awesome might-

Cloud: Oh, shut up already! I'm the leader of the Land of Purple Fuzzy Objects, and do ya think anyone cares? NO!

(They continue to bicker.)

MC Link: (plays 'Let's Get It Started') Listen to the lyrics, everyone! It's DDR time! Looks like it's Talim and yet another random Halo guy up first!

Halo guy: Finally, karaoke! Wait, I can't dance! TUCKER, GET YOUR DOUBLECROSSING EMPTY HEAD BACK HERE!

Talim: I wanna play Mario Mix!

MC Link: Too bad, it's Matrix Mix. Deal with it!

Talim: Fine…(pouts)

Neo: I believe I should be in charge of this…

MC Link: How many times do I have to tell ya? I'm in charge of all music. (starts DDR machine)

(Five minutes later, and it still hasn't loaded.)

Neo: It's taking too long.

Morpheus: That is because the Matrix is run by a 56k modem.

Neo: Stupid dial-up! (ad for AOL for Broadband appears) (I credit this idea to Legendary Frog. Not mine!)

WW Link: Look, it's ready! (They choose characters and music)

(Matrix chase music plays. Surprisingly enough, it's a 150-difficulty level, and Neo sucks bad at it.)

Talim: You shouldn't go against a wind priestess!

Neo: (loses) Waaah! I want my mommy! (runs away crying and defeating several Smiths along the way. Unfortunately, they are the grocery store Smiths. Market Fresh every day.)

MC Link: Well that was weird.

Mario: I say we have a Mario Mix battle!

Daxter: Versus me!

Master Chief: And me!

Cloud: Fine, me too.

Sephiroth: No! I say I'm better and knitting than you!

Cloud: Wanna bet?

Sephiroth: You're on, toast-for-brains!

(They start knitting with frilly pink yarn.)

MC Lnk: (eye twitches) Hate…pink…anyway, it's time for…do do do doooo! Four way Matrix Mario Mix DDR!

(Mario, Daxter, Master Chief, and a Smith clone from the Matrix take their positions.)

MC Link: Ready? And the song is…(Axel F from Crazy Frog plays)

All: Sweet! (cheer)

(Daxter is the first to fall. Keira tries to take his place, but trips on her ears and loses.)

MC Link: Sony, you're outta here!

(A short while later, Master Chief drops a grenade which promptly explodes and he loses.)

MC Link: It's between Mario and Smith!

Mario: I'm-a gonna win!

Smith: Not if I can help it!

OoT Link: That's my line! (kills Smith, but another one pops up.)

Mario?

OoT Link: What the-? (keeps killing him, but he always reappears)

Mario: (dancing furiously) There is only one way to beat him. We need the newest hero!

MC Link: You don't mean-

Mario: I do.

MC Link: But that's untested!

Mairo: It's the only way.

MM Link: By the power of the Link lineage, I hereby summon…Twilight Princess Link! Awaken! (slams sword into ground; in a shower of pretty gold sparks, TP Link appears.)

MM Link: He has come.

TP Link: (serious voice) I have only one thing to say…(pulls out many rolls of…)

MC Link: Huh?

(…toilet paper, and runs around Smith with it.)

TP Link: Victory is ours! Nintendo wins! Huzzah! Ice cream party on me, everyone.

(Mario faints from exhaustion and lack of coins, then is sucked into the game. The screen flashes: Insert 20,000 more coins, as this game is far too expensive)

TP Link: I guess he shouldn't have spent all his money on hats and overalls…Anyway, like I said, ice cream for all!

Meanwhile...

AAOLL HQ

h890: It appears as though we have been able to breach the AOL mainframe. fg00, install the hacker programfg00: Roger that.

h890: Okay...

fg00: (starts up program. Small Pac Man things appear on screen, chasing the AOL man through a maze.)

h890: Sweet...(AOL man is eaten)

h1-891, fg0, and fatalfeling: We have succeeded!

h890: Let's join the ice cream party!

fg00: Oh no. No sugar for you.

THE END

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, Square Enix, Disney, the characters, Legendary Frog, the Matrix, or any of the other stuff I mentioned. I own me and my pals fg00, EEM, and ff own themselves. The end. (Smith crawls out of toilet paper pile) For now.


	17. To Fear a Pickle

Haha! I got you so good! You really thought it was over, didn't you? You can't fool me. I just couldn't live with the cruddy ending, so I'm adding a chapter just for you! I hope you like it. Enjoy! And review, because this really is the last chapter. No joke.

* * *

Toast Monsters: Cloud, man, that plan failed. That means you have to go through initiation.

Cloud: Is it my fault if people aren't theatrically inclined?

Toast Monsters: Yes.

Cloud: Oh. What must I do?

Toast Monsters: You must overcome your greatest fear.

Cloud: Nnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

TM: Hey, it's not that bad.

Cloud: But I'm terrified of them!

TM: Pickles? (Cloud screeches like a little girl)

Cloud: Don't make me do it!

TM: Well…okay. Then all you have to do is destroy Sephiroth!

Cloud: Oh. I can do that! (runs off to create a plan)

TM: Did anyone notice that we were all talking at the same time?

LotTM: No.

Cloud: This is a great plan! (builds a giant morphing machine) I can turn Sephy into anything I want! An ice cream scoop, a computer, a sledgehammer, a bug, a TV…yeah I'll go with the last one. (mails it to Sephy's house)

Sephiroth's house

Queenie: What ya doin, Sephy?

Sephiroth: Venting anger by destroying things. _Your_ things.

Queenie: No! Don't do it! I beg of you! I call upon the awesome power of the Demonic Moldy Bagel Bite Experiments from Beneath the Band-Aid Box to protect my stuff!

Sephiroth: Oh great…not this again…

(Doorbell rings)

Cow: I'll get it, since yoooouuuu twooooooooo are toooooooooooo busy.

(Answers door; there is a giant box there marked 'from Clo- I mean, a friend')

Queenie (to Sephy): Do not deny my awesome power!

Sephy: What power? You're a cat with a whole bunch of plushies that look like little mini pizzas that turned pink!

Queenie: So I'm a little low on a budget…

Cow: Hey look! A morphing ray!

Sephiroth: Oh no…Don't touch that, Cow!

Cow: Oooooooooooooooooooo…(slowly reaches for the button)

Queenie: Don't do it!

Cow: …(almost there)

Sephiroth: No! It's a trap!

Cow: Aw, what the heck. (presses button) (The ray charges up)

Queenie: Cow! I'll save you! (slow mo jumps in front of Cow just as the ray hits.)

Sephiroth: Gasp. What happened now…OH NO! IT'S-

(The creature slowly staggers to its feet. It looks like Super Queenie with cow-colored splotches and holding an ice cream cannon gun.)

Sephiroth: -DAIRY QUEEN!

DQ: I'm off to smite the Toast Monsters! Minons of the Band-Aid Box, follow my lead! TO THE HOUSE OF CLOUD! (she stomps out, followed by many millions of demon bagel bites)

Sephiroth (shouting after her): And could you pick up my dry cleaning? AND SOME MILK! WE'RE ALL OUT!

DQ: OKAY!

Meanwhile, Mario is trapped inside the DDR game.

Mario: Get-a me outta here! Mamma mia!

Smith clone: Sorry. We can't operate this new high-powered technology. The only thing I've ever used runs on a 56k modem.

Daxter: This is boring. Plus I have no idea what you just said.

Keira: Why oh why did I clone Daxter…

Master Chief: Does anyone have any pickles? (Cloud whimpers from far away)

Mario: He's-a never going to get over that, is he?

Daxter: Nope. We've had him on staff for years, and every time someone mentioned pickles, well, we never did hear from that person again…

Keira: Part of the reason why he got fired from his last job.

Master Chief: Hey! I like this song! (The Barbie Girl song)

Keira: Why am I not surprised?

Smith clone: Then let's DDR.

Mario: I agree! Mamma mia!

Daxter (starts dancing): Will you ever shut up?

Mario: Probably not.

Dairy Queen has arrived at Cloud's house.

DQ (rings doorbell): Open up, Cloud!

Cloud: Alright, alright, I'm coming…(opens door) And who might you be?

DQ: I am Dairy Queen, using the power of-

Cloud: (little kid voice) Oh boy oh boy oh boy! ICE CREAM! Do you have any mocha-flavored ice cream? It's my most favoritest kind in the whole world.

DQ: Uh, no, I'm here to smite you.

Cloud: Oh. (clears throat and takes on a high-and-mighty tone) Who hath sent thee to do their bidding?

DQ: Sephiroth, who else? Now can we hurry this up? I've got to get his dry cleaning and some milk. I love milk.

Cloud: Well, I'm not goin' down without a fight!

DQ: But I have a secret weapon! (pulls out a pickle)

Cloud: I have to fight it…must…resist…screaming…(eye twitches)

DQ: I shall destroy thee!

Cloud: No! (quickly grabs the offending pickle and stuffs it into his mouth, then swallows slowly) Oh what have I done?

DQ: Oh snap. That was the only one I had…

Cloud: If I give you milk, will you leave?

DQ: No.

Cloud: Chocolate milk?

DQ: Maybe…

Cloud: With cookies?

DQ: LET ME HAVE IT!

Cloud: Suit yourself. (pours chocolate milk over DQ's head and whacks her over the head with a giant cookie)

DQ: Night night… (falls asleep, sucking her thumb. Cloud whacks her baseball-style with his sword, hurtling her back to Sephiroth's house.)

Sephiroth's house

Sephiroth: I wonder what could be taking her so long…

(Suddenly, DQ crashes through the roof, flattening Sephiroth, a lamp, the TV, and several comically misshapen carrots.)

DMBBEFBTBAB: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Our leader! (They carry DQ off to their secret headquarters: beneath a band-aid box in Queenie's room.)

Sephiroth: Why does this always have to happen to me…AND I NEVER GOT MY DRYCLEANING! (falls unconscious)

Nintendo HQ

(Mario has long since been released from his DDR prison)

Mario: Thanks for getting me out of there, guys!

TP Link: No problem. Where would we be without our president?

Falco: (muttering) We'd be a lot better off.

MM Link: How can you say that? Mario's great!

Falco: I know, I know. I was just kidding.

Mario: It's-a okay.

OoT Link: It's nice to meet you, TP Link.

TP Link: I simply couldn't miss the release of my own game.

WW Link: I have a feeling we forgot something…

AAOLL HQ

h890: That was fun. We should go join the Nintendo party.

fg00: Of course we should! But what about AoL Link?

h890: How about it, Link? Are you off of AOL now?

AoL Link: You bet! I've seen the light. And this NetZero is awesome! I prefer to be called NZ Link now.

h890: If you insist. Now let's go!

NZ Link: Yay! To the party! I'm driving!

h890: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

NZ Link: Oh, chill out. I have my learner's permit. (mutters) In seven years…

(One way or another, somehow avoiding many accidents, trees, people, buildings, and oncoming traffic, NZ Link drives to the party. They arrive, dizzy.)

h890: LAND! SWEET, NONMOVING LAND!

NZ Link: (confusedly) I told ya…we'd make it… (faints)

Mario: You're all crazy. MC Link, if you will…

MC Link: With pleasure, yo! (presses play, and the Cha Cha Slide starts. Everyone but NZ Link dances to it because, well, he fainted, if you were paying attention.)

MM Link: This rocks!

OoT Link: Hey- aren't we the same person?

MM Link: Hmm…

WW Link: Well, as we all know, I'm way better than either of you.

MC Link: Do we have to start this again? Why don't we all just jam?

Links: Whatever ya say.

Mario: Now let's Cha Cha Slide!

Keira: Does this mean Nintendo won the war?

Daxter: I guess so. I wonder if there's a second chance drawing…

Mario: I still think we forgot something...

* * *

The tree

Captain Falcon: IS ANYONE EVER GOING TO GET ME DOWN FROM HERE?

* * *

Cloud's house

Cloud: Well, I did it! All it took was for me to eat a pickle, but I'm not afraid anymore!

TM: You have re-earned the right to lead us, Cloud!

Cloud: Actually, I don't need you guys anymore. Sorry. I hope we can still be friends.

TM: But, we need a leader!

LotTM: YOU HAVE ME!

TM: Oh yeah…right…

Cloud: No hard feelings, right?

TM: No… (tie Cloud to a chair, glue his eyes open, and force him to watch Barney reruns.) No hard feelings whatsoever.

CLOUD: Noooooooo oooooooooo ooooooooo oooooooo ooooooo oooooooo oooooooo ooooooo! (they duct tape his mouth shut) (He tries to talk and shout, but realizing he's lost, Cloud simply hums to the I Love You You Love Me Let's Get Together and Kill Barney song.

* * *

THE END (really!)

I'm sorry I tricked you guys. But you should seen your faces… (laughs) Well, this really is the last one. Merry Christmas Hannuka Kwanza and Winter Solstice to ya! AND EAT CANDY FOR HALLOWEEN AND ALWAYS GO TRICK OR TREATING! IT'S A TRADITION! YAY! Review.


End file.
